mcnopoly

the past week and a half has been unreal to me...as in
i don't exactly feel present here and i wish i could wake
up in my bed to find that i've just been sleeping for a
long time and that cinny has made a giant mess in my room.
funny how i dream of that happening- her blissful stare.
it was last night when it hit me like a slap of deja vu,
like the recurring scene from inception when cobb tries
to look at his children's faces one last time before he leaves-
but we all know he is just an old man filled with regret.
i'm not sad nor am i filled with regret, but i'm dumbfounded.
i know for sure God is telling me that things are changing
by showing me an unchanged scene with different people.
let me explain. yesterday, the college fellowship went to
skid row in l.a. to listen to a pastor preach on a street corner
and to help serve the homeless. the message we heard was
entitled "why does God choose one jerk over another jerk
and call it grace?" catchy title. it was about the story of
jacob and esau (hehe, i held back on the predestination talk)
and how a showing of favoritism could tear apart a family.
as we were preparing to leave, i was walking in front of the
group by myself still absorbing and processing what i had
heard, when suddenly one sister called my name and i turned
around to see that they were lined side-by-side with arms locked
together, moving as one unit. even though she had only asked
me where my jacket was, for a moment, i could not speak,
because i was in awe at the similarity. two sundays ago, when
i was still in irvine, i was walking from the mandarin side back
to the english building knowing well that a few people were
walking behind me. i heard esther's voice say "john, are you
leaving on wednesday?" hesitantly, i answered "yes"and kept
moving forward without looking back. then she asked me,
"are you ready?" when i turned around, i saw esther standing
between amy and serena with her arms locked in theirs.
crazy right? or am i just unaware that it is a common thing
for girls to link arms and walk behind stud muffins? anyways,
the point of all of this: God is telling me that things are different
obviously, because this is a different city and a different time
of my life. but in that, God is telling me that my mission is the
same. the people are the same- in need of His mercy and grace.
it is no coincidence that i just read about the sin of partiality.
oh, that i may repent of my foolish ways- not showing the same
love and genuineness so conditionally as i have been doing.
i'm sick of all the small talk and all the polite smiles that i give.
although it's not a bad thing to smile, i'm no where close to
collecting stories of my college adventures by just showing
my teeth to people. and my teeth aren't even pretty.
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i went to the gym today...and i'm weaker than i thought.
calculus may be the limit of my math knowledge. =3

aliso 122

my dorm on a sunday morning

i am simply blessed and completely blown away. the thought of being
a newcomer still baffles me. my only hope is that newcomers that attend
our church in irvine would be able to experience such a love as i did
yesterday. it really is true what Jesus says about the mark of His disciples
how others will recognizes genuine believers by their love for one another.
it is amazing to be in the middle of that observing, receiving, and enjoying!

sour apple

lost my appletite...

i need a fruit knife so i don't end up eating gross parts of apples

slenderman

my first meal in college...

i wish i could teleport. my chemistry professor is awkward,
but in a funny, good way. my communications professor
at first looked grumpy and boring, but looks are deceiving.
i like everything about my calculus professor except his
handwriting. my notes are a mess. i have yet to meet my
lab instructor. i'm doing homework on a friday for the first
time in my life. so...this is what college is like. mellow days...
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the food in the cafeteria is good, but pretty much everything
they serve is fattening. exercise, exercise, and exercise!
freshman fifteen...pounds of muscle! get emmanuel-gains!

but nice won't cut it

on the walk to my first class...

so much has happened
in the past three days.
and yet, it seems that
i feel so little compared
to those that i have left
behind even just temp-
orarily back in my
hometown. but i do
feel. i feel loved beyond
i could have ever ima-
gined. not simply be-
cause i am here, but
also because He is
present. i am held to-
gether by grace. i would
be sobbing right now,
but that is not my call-
ing nor my hope. i am
fully satisfied by what
has been done on the
cross. lead me to it. 

sagoingne

two more days of summer...what shall i do?
spend time with people before i leave or be a hermit?
or...spend time with other people being hermits?
well anyways, the time has finally come for me to go.
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littlebigplanet 2 + artsy people = thorough amusement!

flee this youth

literally run if you must to quiet the voices of lust,
because if you just sit and rust, the devil may catch you.
o, how prone is your heart to wander- your mind to ponder
what is over yonder while you ignore the Father, who is here.
do you truly swear by what is greater or are you a grace-hater
saying, "i'll pray about it later," putting off your Maker, God?
flee youthful passions! look, forgiveness isn't scarce like rations,
but listen, each sin you commit is like another set of lashin's
on the back of your Savior, your Lord, your first love.
but Jesus, knowing He'd be betrayed, had the ruler of the air played,
His own life down He laid, so that our debt could be paid.
the deceiver rejoiced when He died, he rejoiced committing suicide.
only through the Son's demise, could He three days later rise.
and you know all of this. the gospel- ignorance isn't bliss.
each day is an opportunity you can't miss to walk in the Spirit.

ramble

so my brother's girlfriend has been in china on missions for a while now and apparently, her birthday is coming up soon. my brother gave me a card to sign and this is what i wrote with a giant smile on my face:
"happy birthday! and merry christmas in advance...we don't talk much...or at least, i don't talk much, but i hope to get to know you more. well, so far, i like your personality! haha, i don't know if david (my brother) tells you about me, but i feel as if i should explain my awkwardness. of course, i'm not going to do that...who writes about himself on someone else's birthday card? sigh...i knew i should have written a rough draft- i don't know how to end this well. i love you, sister! john"
yes. i am a dead man as soon as my brother proofreads. but, i've realized just how little i tell others of my love for them and just how little i've risked to stay comfortable. it's time to be a little more adventurous, don't you think?

buckets

brother: honestly, i don't get how you are so strong. see, if you just had a haircut, you could get a girlfriend. that body, that face, you just need that hair.
me: what about personality?
brother: yea, personality is important, but...your personality sucks. you always try to be sarcastic and girls don't like that.
me: that's true...i guess.
brother: so all you got to do is just look good and keep your mouth shut, because your jokes stink.

and then it hit me. my brother was right. i am pretty strong.

downtown

these past few days, i've become a loner- going through routine
brainless entertainment as if that could fill me up somehow...
and when i convince myself to turn off the white-noise screens,
a familiar silence falls and i'm reminded of my boring isolation.
and cinny, i know she will simply walk away from me to remind
me even more of my loneliness, but i can't help but lay next to her.
she'll be sent away soon...and soon, i'll be looking for just an
empty space where she might be, only to look up in a senile-manor
saying, "oh, that's right. she's finally grown tired of seeing me-
that's why she's not here anymore." but then, out of my decaying
optimism, i'll probably say, "it's perfect this way. i'm a college
man now. no time to lay down and just stare at the ceiling and
tell my dog about my thoughts anymore. with her around, i'll
just never learn to be on my own." on that day that we part ways,
i will not cry. i won't look back or think that it's been 15 years.
instead, i will thank her for being the worst dog a boy could
ask for. i will thank her for being a man's best friend.

eating concrete

why is loneliness creeping up on me?
my mom always asks if i'm alright, when,
however subtle, something is off with me.
that's some crazy mother's intuition!
i wish i could give all this extra time i have
to those that need it more than i do...
and that feels like everyone that i know.
meh...i'm not lonely! i just wish i could
leave some parting words of advice to those
younger than me before i go off to school.
something like "don't stress...it's unattractive."
or maybe "love one another like the bible
tells you to." or "shoulder each others'
burdens. don't be arrogant like me and try
to deal with everything on your own."