fighting for my dependence.
---------------------------------------------
i can't believe i actually have
a small migraine after only four
pieces of candy. i've gotten weak.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
textbook out the window (again)
i'm halfway between being neutral about and hating
with a strong passion the study of chemistry. my
physics oriented brain can't handle all these moles,
and salts, and redox reactions, and limiting reagents,
and solubility rules, and chemical compound names.
if someone is willing to teach me chem, i would
gladly give them a big hug. because even after i
understand it, i will still need a hug for the pain.
with a strong passion the study of chemistry. my
physics oriented brain can't handle all these moles,
and salts, and redox reactions, and limiting reagents,
and solubility rules, and chemical compound names.
if someone is willing to teach me chem, i would
gladly give them a big hug. because even after i
understand it, i will still need a hug for the pain.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
disconnect
on the drive back to pomona tonight, there was silence in the car.
not the type of silence caused by tiredness, but rather confusion.
coming home this time around had a different feeling than the first.
of course, i was homesick beforehand both times, but for some reason,
i spent more of this weekend in deep pondering. thoughts that pierce
through my original way of thinking, making me question whether
or not i really am missing those that i love or if i just have the tendency
to be discontent wherever i am because of a few transitions in life.
i told myself i would not cry for cinny, but being on the verge of tears
throughout the weekend is probably worse than pouring it all out.
sadness- i won't deny its presence in my thought life. but i will not
let this momentary grief turn into an elongated one by dwelling on
the past. although i'm basically addicted to nostalgia, i know that
it would not make sense for me to seek joy by running from it.
Lord, help me let go. You give and take away. and if You were to
take everything away from me until You are all i have, that would
be far more merciful, because in that, i would receive all of You.
not the type of silence caused by tiredness, but rather confusion.
coming home this time around had a different feeling than the first.
of course, i was homesick beforehand both times, but for some reason,
i spent more of this weekend in deep pondering. thoughts that pierce
through my original way of thinking, making me question whether
or not i really am missing those that i love or if i just have the tendency
to be discontent wherever i am because of a few transitions in life.
i told myself i would not cry for cinny, but being on the verge of tears
throughout the weekend is probably worse than pouring it all out.
sadness- i won't deny its presence in my thought life. but i will not
let this momentary grief turn into an elongated one by dwelling on
the past. although i'm basically addicted to nostalgia, i know that
it would not make sense for me to seek joy by running from it.
Lord, help me let go. You give and take away. and if You were to
take everything away from me until You are all i have, that would
be far more merciful, because in that, i would receive all of You.
Monday, October 22, 2012
get that weak stuff outta here
 |
| creepy knows creepin' |
so my roommate fell asleep a little early. so i took pictures.
Friday, October 19, 2012
wave one
yesterday, i took my first midterm. and thankfully, it was for calculus.
i don't know what it is about the way i've been able to look at situations
around me, but i must say this: you know those times in your life when
you have prayers that are mainly filled with thanksgiving? when you
have nothing on your mind but appreciation for everything and anything
even for what you would normally deem "bad," so your prayers consist
of only statements that begin with "thank You" and end with "You are
so good to me"- do you know those kinds of prayers? i've been having
a lot of those lately. i've also been thinking a lot about God's jealousy
for His bride. oh, how He fights for her joy! how He shows her His
infinite value and beauty and glory! His will for you in Christ Jesus!
i don't know what it is about the way i've been able to look at situations
around me, but i must say this: you know those times in your life when
you have prayers that are mainly filled with thanksgiving? when you
have nothing on your mind but appreciation for everything and anything
even for what you would normally deem "bad," so your prayers consist
of only statements that begin with "thank You" and end with "You are
so good to me"- do you know those kinds of prayers? i've been having
a lot of those lately. i've also been thinking a lot about God's jealousy
for His bride. oh, how He fights for her joy! how He shows her His
infinite value and beauty and glory! His will for you in Christ Jesus!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
speeches
mwuahahahahahahahahaha! i had fun today in class.
for our first graded assignment in communications, we
were put into groups that each were required to have
a half-hour long combined speech about the qualities
of an effective public speaker. for my characteristic, i
spoke about authenticity/ honesty and it went like this:
among all of the characteristics of a good public speaker, i think that authenticity or honesty is the most important both to the one speaking and the ones listening. because, i could have the perfect posture, i could wow you all with my metaphors and allusions, i could have soul-piercing eye contact, or i could even take off my glasses in a dramatic fashion, (pause) but to be honest, without my glasses i can no longer see your faces clearly. honesty is something that we all care about- that is an undeniable fact. some may not value being honest to others, but all of us value someone being honest to us. imagine this scenario: you are waiting outside the emergency room to hear the results of a surgery of mr. someone-you-care-about. suddenly, the doctor walks outside covered in blood, with a grim look on his face as he reads through his clipboard. when all hope seems lost, however, when he is ten feet away from you, his entire demeanor changes and he's got that unexplainable happiness that only doctors have. he puts his hand on your shoulder, looks you dead in the eye, and says "don't worry, mr. someone-you-care-about is going to be alright." how convinced would you be that he spoke to you with authenticity? now, i'm using this as an example to illustrate the importance of being genuine with an audience. often times, when we prepare for a speech, we worry about how we look, how we sound, and how we can appeal to the audience- and yes, that is all important, but it is secondary to what the speaker truly believes. what good would it be to win over a crowd to a side that goes against what you stand for? in my own life, one of the people that have influenced my values is my dad, who constantly reminds me to be open with him. although we don't talk on a daily basis, i know that whenever we do have a conversation, he is ready to tell me everything that is on his mind. sometimes, when he is giving me advice, it sounds more like he is ranting- but in that ranting i see a great example of authenticity. and even though i don't listen to every detail that he tells me, i appreciate him for being on that level of transparency with me. that sense of trust is vital to an effective speech and can only be obtained when there is mutual honesty. of course, speaking with authenticity is easy when an audience is in agreement with the speaker. what happens when what you say may offend those that are listening or if the people are turned off by your genuineness? for example, if a thief were to say to his fellow thieves, "hey, i think stealing is wrong," do you think they would respond, "you know...you're right! let's start a non-profit organization!" no! instead, they would probably shank him! therefore, authenticity in the face of opposition is made useless without courage. you see, i'm a Christian and so, i believe in the bible, that it is God's word one-hundred percent. but, if i do not have the courage to say (pause) "we all have fallen short and sinned and deserve hell, but God in His mercy sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that we may be forgiven and He rose from the grave defeating death so that whomever believes in Him shall have eternal life and enjoy God forever"- if i don't have the courage to say that in front of a class or even one person, then i won't be able to effectively speak to anyone! we care so much about how we look, how we sound, or how we can appeal to the audience, but no! we must remember that an effective public speaker must first be willing to sacrifice the favor of his audience (pause) for the sake of his message. even if, in
the end, he himself is the only one who believes in it.
to transition to our closer, named casey, i said in my thug voice,
"somebody give me a beat!" as i expected, no one gave me a beat
and i received a bunch of confused expressions. then i said, "nah,
i'm just kidding. i'm not rapping for you today- but casey is going
to be wrapping things up, (looking at casey) so take it away."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
let me be a child again, to be in the midst of uncertainty, but to
know that my Father is in control and to find peace in His goodness.
before giving this speech i was praying that no matter what happened,
even if i mumbled and stuttered during the first half, that God would
sustain in my heart the boldness of Christ to preach the gospel and
He did! of course, my mission still stands, there are still some who
heard my speech today and completely ignored the ending. but for
those that were listening, i could see across the room a mixture of
smiles and frowns. whether or not there are brothers or sisters in my
class, i do not know and i can only trust in God to reveal that to me.
whatever happens, i know that i am blessed beyond i could ever know.
for our first graded assignment in communications, we
were put into groups that each were required to have
a half-hour long combined speech about the qualities
of an effective public speaker. for my characteristic, i
spoke about authenticity/ honesty and it went like this:
among all of the characteristics of a good public speaker, i think that authenticity or honesty is the most important both to the one speaking and the ones listening. because, i could have the perfect posture, i could wow you all with my metaphors and allusions, i could have soul-piercing eye contact, or i could even take off my glasses in a dramatic fashion, (pause) but to be honest, without my glasses i can no longer see your faces clearly. honesty is something that we all care about- that is an undeniable fact. some may not value being honest to others, but all of us value someone being honest to us. imagine this scenario: you are waiting outside the emergency room to hear the results of a surgery of mr. someone-you-care-about. suddenly, the doctor walks outside covered in blood, with a grim look on his face as he reads through his clipboard. when all hope seems lost, however, when he is ten feet away from you, his entire demeanor changes and he's got that unexplainable happiness that only doctors have. he puts his hand on your shoulder, looks you dead in the eye, and says "don't worry, mr. someone-you-care-about is going to be alright." how convinced would you be that he spoke to you with authenticity? now, i'm using this as an example to illustrate the importance of being genuine with an audience. often times, when we prepare for a speech, we worry about how we look, how we sound, and how we can appeal to the audience- and yes, that is all important, but it is secondary to what the speaker truly believes. what good would it be to win over a crowd to a side that goes against what you stand for? in my own life, one of the people that have influenced my values is my dad, who constantly reminds me to be open with him. although we don't talk on a daily basis, i know that whenever we do have a conversation, he is ready to tell me everything that is on his mind. sometimes, when he is giving me advice, it sounds more like he is ranting- but in that ranting i see a great example of authenticity. and even though i don't listen to every detail that he tells me, i appreciate him for being on that level of transparency with me. that sense of trust is vital to an effective speech and can only be obtained when there is mutual honesty. of course, speaking with authenticity is easy when an audience is in agreement with the speaker. what happens when what you say may offend those that are listening or if the people are turned off by your genuineness? for example, if a thief were to say to his fellow thieves, "hey, i think stealing is wrong," do you think they would respond, "you know...you're right! let's start a non-profit organization!" no! instead, they would probably shank him! therefore, authenticity in the face of opposition is made useless without courage. you see, i'm a Christian and so, i believe in the bible, that it is God's word one-hundred percent. but, if i do not have the courage to say (pause) "we all have fallen short and sinned and deserve hell, but God in His mercy sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that we may be forgiven and He rose from the grave defeating death so that whomever believes in Him shall have eternal life and enjoy God forever"- if i don't have the courage to say that in front of a class or even one person, then i won't be able to effectively speak to anyone! we care so much about how we look, how we sound, or how we can appeal to the audience, but no! we must remember that an effective public speaker must first be willing to sacrifice the favor of his audience (pause) for the sake of his message. even if, in
the end, he himself is the only one who believes in it.
to transition to our closer, named casey, i said in my thug voice,
"somebody give me a beat!" as i expected, no one gave me a beat
and i received a bunch of confused expressions. then i said, "nah,
i'm just kidding. i'm not rapping for you today- but casey is going
to be wrapping things up, (looking at casey) so take it away."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
let me be a child again, to be in the midst of uncertainty, but to
know that my Father is in control and to find peace in His goodness.
before giving this speech i was praying that no matter what happened,
even if i mumbled and stuttered during the first half, that God would
sustain in my heart the boldness of Christ to preach the gospel and
He did! of course, my mission still stands, there are still some who
heard my speech today and completely ignored the ending. but for
those that were listening, i could see across the room a mixture of
smiles and frowns. whether or not there are brothers or sisters in my
class, i do not know and i can only trust in God to reveal that to me.
whatever happens, i know that i am blessed beyond i could ever know.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
authenticity, capitol of authenti
something is wrong with me. aside from the fact that i have
eaten alone for every meal, avoided eye contact from now-
familiar faces, and done basically everything by myself since
i got here. aside from the fact that i haven't made a friend
outside of church or my room. that could easily be changed.
instead, something is seriously wrong with the fact that i
continually have to remind myself that these for years are
not for my parents. to be honest, i hate school right now.
it is not because i'm lonely out here nor is it the work load.
it's the motivation. haha...i know that in a couple days, i'm
going to be to overwhelmed by being thrown back into
irvine and i'm going to be too preoccupied to care about these
things. but, for now, i care- and it hurts me. their words ring
in my mind, telling me to do this for myself. telling me,
"you are the one in control of your life"- those words terrify me.
eaten alone for every meal, avoided eye contact from now-
familiar faces, and done basically everything by myself since
i got here. aside from the fact that i haven't made a friend
outside of church or my room. that could easily be changed.
instead, something is seriously wrong with the fact that i
continually have to remind myself that these for years are
not for my parents. to be honest, i hate school right now.
it is not because i'm lonely out here nor is it the work load.
it's the motivation. haha...i know that in a couple days, i'm
going to be to overwhelmed by being thrown back into
irvine and i'm going to be too preoccupied to care about these
things. but, for now, i care- and it hurts me. their words ring
in my mind, telling me to do this for myself. telling me,
"you are the one in control of your life"- those words terrify me.
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