helios

clam chowder sounds good right about now...
i got a perfect score on my calc midterm!
why the heck does it still feel like i'm failing?
i've made up my mind. it's going to be ivc.
i need to get back in shape! i'm getting weak.

two tales

possibly considering transferring to ivc for two years...
there is a lot of uncertainty at this point and i have to
make a big decision. praying for discernment and wisdom-
could it be God's will for me to stay in pomona where
i'm barely being effective in terms of reaching out to others?
for once, i'm impatient because i feel like i have no control.
and i know that is just my disobedience talking, but at the
same time, i wish i knew more. i wish i could be more
resourceful and reliable, but really, i've just been too simple-
minded. too complacent with the daily routine of studying
like a hermit king. to be honest with myself, i should have
been more honest to myself and made a stance. i should
have made it clear that i still haven't quite made up my mind
yet. i should be more courageous and tell it like it is. i like
math and physics, but what i love studying more than anything
is simply God's word. i want to spend my days reading the
bible while sipping some kind of hot tea. but i don't want just
knowledge. i want to be constantly transformed by it. i want
my life to be totally flipped upside down. i want to truly seek
after the Lord and be used as a tool for His purposes. i want
to genuinely care for His people. i don't care for money.
so what am i doing out there if my only purpose is to get a
career one day? if not to love You and my neighbors, what
else could You possibly will for me? for whatever You decide,
please grace me with a spirit of thanksgiving and joy. 

c-virus and i

"success is getting what you want and happiness is wanting what you got"

me and the t-virus

i think if there was a zombie apocalypse, i wouldn't save
anyone. i mean, not because i wouldn't be capable of helping,
but because i would rather face the impending doom of the
world alone. i would rather survive on my own and not have
to burden others with my awkward presence. and if i were
bitten, i wouldn't have to ask a friend to finish me off. i also
wouldn't save anyone, because in an apocalypse, we would
tend to think "we need to stick together" while forgetting that
humans are still humans. i wouldn't be able to trust anyone,
except Jesus, so even if i did save anyone, he or she would
probably dislike me for being so cynical. they'd think, "who
does he think he is? acting like he doesn't need to rely on us?"
and i would stay silent without protest, pretending to be focused
on more important things like my ammunition (although i
already know i've got only six shells left). i would be cold
towards everyone and i wouldn't try to say anything that would
bring hope into their lives. i wouldn't save anyone, because
by then, my naive perception of heroism would be crushed
by the fact that those who risked their lives to save others in
the first days of the outbreak died and were forgotten.
by then, however, it would no longer be fear that held me back
-it would be straight up disdain. i think i may even love the
infected more than those that survived. if...there was a zombie
apocalypse, i realize that much of my cynicism wouldn't change.

stinkbrain

wreck-it ralph is quite possibly one of the best movies
i have seen in a while. cute and epic go so well together.

point more nostalgia

you know, it's strange. last night i couldn't sleep, but
not because i was pointlessly pondering pictures of
past people, places, and things. instead, i was thinking
of the future and how exciting it's going to be. and not
just my future, but also the future of my brothers and
sisters. how much God would work in each of their
lives and mine, how much we would build one another
up with love and encouragement, and how much more
glory God has to receive! that kept me up last night!
up to that point, it had been a long, busy, trial-filled
week, so last night was supposed to be my rest night.
but for whatever reason, i could not stop thinking about
the goodness of our Lord! and with a heart of thanksgiving,
i could not stop praising Him for His faithfulness!
i thought, "God, i need sleep...why are You filling my
mind with such exciting thoughts now? i need rest."
and as i laid there in the dark, i listened for His voice.
"john, am I not your rest? if you sleep now, you may
have energy and strength to go through tomorrow,
but at night you will be tired again. but, if you stay
awake longer thinking of Me, you may be exhausted
tomorrow and even more tired at night. however, I will
be your energy and strength and at night I will not tire.
therefore, rest in Me." and as i laid there, i smiled.
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1 thessalonians 5:16-18 pray without ceasing.
thank you for all of your prayers. i love you!

low virtual

memory low. nostalgia no.
losing sanity. losing sleep.
hardworking. working slow.
lone wolf. missing sheep.

an impression of timidity

sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would...
sing me something soft,
sad and delicate,
or loud and out of key.
sing me anything.
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being nonchalant doesn't seem to work