waiting for sunrise

forest of tall trees

challenging...at the end of retreat, the small group leaders were asked
to say one word to sum up their experience this year and i said challenging.
this year, i was reminded of the gravity of being a leader- perhaps due to
the intensity with which i was pushed to build friendships in such a short
time- but simultaneously remembering how blessed it is to shepherd and
guide a flock. without a co-leader, i led a group of seven seniors (most of
which were taller than me) and throughout the weekend, i worried about
how well i was leading my group. thoughts like "i want to lead the
discussion without spewing on and on about my own view or experience"
or "my small group members aren't opening up because i'm not asking
the right questions" came to mind. and before even the halfway point of
retreat, i began to feel down, because i doubted if i was using wisdom
when i spoke during small group. i started to worry that they were simply
nodding their heads in agreement without critically thinking for themselves
whether or not they believed what i would say. that on top of the fact that
pastor miller's preaching style was very different from what we are used
to hearing at retreats (and that no material or curriculum was given to the
small group leaders to help make discussions more structured) threw me
off and when i was scrambling for words to say or a question to ask, it
pushed me further into thinking that i was not doing such a great job.
so i examined myself- is my motivation wrong? is my approach wrong?
am i hitting them with too many big theological words and ideas? or am
i holding back? and after i asked God to answer these questions that were
swirling in my head, He pointed me to the examples of the apostles.
what is our job as leaders? is it to transform hearts and minds to be more
Christ-like? is it to regenerate lost souls? is it to save people? or to at least
get a response? no, not at all! our role is to simply preach the gospel
faithfully- and this gospel is not just a one-sentence sunday-school-answer-
this gospel is our whole lives! it is the work of the Holy Spirit that
transforms, regenerates, and saves. when i look at the examples of the
apostles in acts and the epistles, i can tell that they knew exactly what
their purpose was as the leaders of the church. it was not to start up
programs to attract nonbelievers or to worry about how persuasive they
were with the way that they talked- none of that which we see so much of
today. it was to preach the gospel day in and day out, during times of great
celebration and during times of great trials, with every breath they breathed.
and of course, i can imagine even they struggled with bits of discouragement
when perhaps they were rejected or just that the response they received for
proclaiming the good news was not what they had wished for. but despite
the circumstances, they never lost sight of their purpose. lifting nonbelievers
and believers in prayer, the apostles simply obeyed their calling and with
confidence, they trusted that the Holy Spirit would be transforming,
regenerating, and saving those that they shared the gospel with. in the same
way, my eyes were reopened this past weekend to my purpose as a servant
of the Lord. as i continued to pray for my small group members to
individually be convicted by the Word of God and have a greater desire
to worship Him for who He is and for what He has done- and that i myself
would stop worrying about whether or not i was leading well enough and
instead trust in God's faithfulness and His ability to change their lives-
by His grace, i was able to see a difference in our small group discussions.
they began to ask deeper questions and to give answers that went beyond
just "i thought it was good." and although no one broke down and cried,
i could not have asked for a better small group- a group with which i know
God has used to challenge me this year. i praise God for this winter retreat!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
also, i want to just point out that i was totally fangirling over pastor
tommy's workshop: great news for everything. such solid teaching! and
when he was writing things on the board, i would whisper to myself the
words that he would put right before he put them and then i would be
all giddy inside like a little schoolgirl. also, serving alongside my small
group leader from two years ago was quite awesome seeing how the
way i organized my small group discussions mirrored his discussions.
the theme of passing on the baton to the next generation is on my mind!

of course i wanna build a snowman

oh how little i know of such things in life.
this year for Christmas, my neighborhood
had no power until 5 p.m. we were just about
to have a candlelit dinner around a gas-powered
stove when suddenly the lights turned on.

skip the classics

how much longer do i have to wait to see?
because even a blind man can tell.
fighting dreamer, don't fall asleep on me again.
------------------------------------------------------------------
two finals down and one last final to go.
does it help that littlebigplanet zombie 2
has been set in motion? no. rediscovering
my love for the creativity and diversity of
this game would be better if today were friday.

pick up line part 2

me during small talk

hey girl, i could be your 1 john. what's that? you've already dated a guy named john? well i could be your 2 john...i guess. kinda ruins the pick-up line that i've worked so hard on though. *corner of woe

clam up

is it strange that i'm already experiencing heart pain at this age?
like, real physical my-body-can't-move kind of stuff, romeo.
if i could describe it, it's like getting all your oxygen sucked out
starting from the chest all the way to your fingertips. scary...
and it's not just a fluke either. this always happens when i stay
up doing busy work. i should probably go see a doctor about this.
but heavy breaths and pounding my chest is all i can afford to do
whilst i'm slaving away trying to pass my classes. man, i want to
go out. i find it depressing that i check the weather daily, but rarely
experience that weather whether good or bad. it's always the same
in my room night and day. and i'm always looking down in here.
notes, homework, research, schedule. if only i could project them
on my walls. and actually move around in this cramped space.
sigh...yet another day has gone by. anpan sparking. anpan. anpan.

diligent monster

so fashuuun

sloth is about to die.
triple popped collars.

worst break ever

as a result of this weekend's family drama,
i punched a hole through my desk (rawr),
applied to twice as many schools as i originally planned,
wasted time pouting and indulging in self-pity,
did absolutely none of my homework,
and hugged a dear friend whom i had sincerely missed.
was it all just for nothing or did i somehow need
the pain and the sadness of these past few days?
i'm not sure, but then again, why should i care anymore?
my joy does not rest in circumstances. i'm free and alive.

in the fire

"in your anger, sin. let the pride swallow you whole.
fight back with your fists and give your brother the beating
he deserves. you could destroy that weakling. shut him up
for good. make him respect you as more than a piece of trash.
come on, don't fool yourself. you have merely suppressed
the beast that lives inside. admit it, you would enjoy making
him suffer. you want to see him cry in pain and fear."
no, psychobabble is psychobabble. and family is family.
in these moments, i'm reminded that my family is always
at each others' throats looking for a trigger to justify conflict.
and i can do nothing but step back and watch them burn.

icebox

i'm petrified, frozen in my ability to speak truth.
if only you could hear my thoughts, you would hear
love a thousand times a thousand times. but these
delicate situations have me situated in a cold place.
standing on the surface level, which is like thin ice,
i see that you are drowning just beneath the clear floor.
and every time i try to break through, 'wisdom' whispers
to me "just keep your cool" and i remain a bystander.
never wanting trouble to the highest degree so i just
leave everything at absolute zero.

where the thief breaks in

since when did i start to be so cold to supposedly close friends?
since when did i stop waving the banner of joyful love?
entitlement to anything is really just the entitlement to one thing:
being an idiot. and that's exactly how i've been.
repentance, repentance is exactly what i need.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
or i could just fake my death and move to alaska...

dead or alive

i know how you feel
but we know what we must do
keep your weapons aimed

burn the house down

go check out adam4d.com

so...my parents are leaving for taiwan today.
they'll be gone for about three weeks.
haha, i like how they are putting post-it notes
on (literally) everything as if my brother and i
are going to die on our own.

begin again

my baby

the
 reckless
  love,
the
 fight
  for
   joy,
the
 hurt
  and
   the
    pain

rehabilitation

weeks are starting to blend- and yes, this scares me.

weak week

sounds like adventure.

coffee has entered my body. unhealthy eating habits
have ensued. exercise has temporarily ceased. the
assault on my school work has begun. next week,
i will be in need of rehabilitation. but i don't care.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm about ready to throw my printer out the window.
update (7:52 pm): i fixed my printer and went like...

funny scene from bleach

gongcheng shi

today in chinese class, everyone was groggy as usual
as for me, i was feeling more energetic, cheery, and optimistic.
so much so that when my teacher said "lai, everyone repeat
after me in chinese," i sat at the edge of my seat and took a
deep breath, ready to give her an enthusiastic response.
she said "home-"
and almost interrupting her, i said "HOME!"...in english
while the people around me mumbled "jia."
immediately, my teacher looked at me and i just smiled
blissfully like a child. and she gave a little chuckle.
was i possibly the least awake student there? another john lee
moment to put in the books. nonchalant and disarming...

long life

"when did my attention become something of such high demand?
i'm not even cool. why do you even need to bother with me?"
...is what i said last night after a long pointless pride battle with
my older brother. although i said that towards him, i would be
lying if i claimed that it was not directed towards anyone else.
i've grown people tired, haven't i? i hate this state of mind. why?
because deep down at the core of my very being, i know that i
love because of God alone- i know it unshakably. but i'm not a
machine and inevitably, my emotions will interfere and blur
my discernment- they have interfered. and i ask myself the question:
is it really not loving to expect progress or change in a person?

booty call

if you are struggling with something, just tell me.
please don't passively linger around me expecting
me to instinctively pick up all of your shy clues.
truly, it makes me feel as if i fail you as a friend each
time i see you and am unable to tend to your wounds.

hospitality

thank you again for opening your home to me as a place for refuge
as i silently watch you work and study hard, i can't help but smile
creepy as it may sound, it truly is a gift to see you steadily grow up
and i think to myself that there will come a day when it is your turn
to be where i am now, observing someone younger than yourself
and delighting to invest whatever free time you have in that person

my printer is a brat

ajosdlajaslkujdallmai
a couple weekends ago, i couldn't get any work done
because my internet was down. so we fixed that by
getting a new modem- yay for faster internet!
but this meant reconfiguring every external hardware
that uses internet. lo and behold...everything but my
printer works. now i'm back to being unproductive
and twice as distracted by the faster internets.
lolcats be like all your times are belung to us -_-
---------------------------------------------------------------
weather.com says it's gonna rain on wednesday.
this better not be a lie, because i am stoked. 

never shut you out

get out

    a ghost is all that's left of
    everything we swore
    we'd never forget.


















i learned chord inversions on the piano
the other day! still musically challenged
but somewhat closer to playing something.

what a waste

spending the whole afternoon waiting to
spend the whole afternoon playing with you.
if i am to be honest, i am starting to get annoyed.

kapwah why

a good run...

sadness. i can't believe omgpop is shutting down tonight.
it is times like these when i reminisce about those nights after
a long day of vbs. those summers when we could hangout
literally everyday and still learn new things about each other
and not have to think about the upcoming school year.
it has been a fun journey, omgpop. i will miss you, blockles.
to all of my friends that have played with me over the past
few years, y'all know who da best blockles combo maker
in town. this is not the end of our fun. we still have many
many more games to play out there. and more laughs to laugh.

shut up mokuba

sqwurrllll!

using the straw man argument so much in my paper
because i suck at research. fallacies all around!
i'm convinced that flip phones were made for action films.

flooded theaters

pass this cup from me. i hate writing papers.
please show me mercy. this is not the kind of suffering
i want to endure. migraines caused by going in circles,
finding long articles written by the intelligently superior
who are quite skilled at hiding the information you need
for sources in a sea of pages. and by a professor that clearly
does not care about whether or not his students succeed
as long as...rant rant rant rant rant rant rant.

shut up, boy.
put away munchkin for a while. drop all the distractions
of youtube and facebook just for the night. breathe.
have a little more confidence in your ability to write.
i know, i know. what you are writing about may not be as
exciting to you as writing about Jesus or the bible or all
things Christian, but you can view this as worship still.
in all you do, do your best and never give up. honor Him.

gosh, i hate it when i'm right.

no wait. no you don't. i mean no i don't.

"sometimes i have these dialogues in my head
between me and myself. you know what i mean?"
"you mean thinking?"
"wha- hmm...wait a minute. that is thinking!
esther, you are a genius! i never thought of it like that."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the dialogues in my head, the nostalgias of yesterday

gone

a girl in eighth grade thinks i am cute and hot simultaneously.
i don't know how to react. look for a godlier man. thank you
for the compliment, but just no. find a greater reason for
attraction and then, still no. why do i have to be so handsome?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
most conceited post ever...sorry guys, this only happens
once a day. i promise, okay? please don't leave.
i get loopy and distracted when i write papers for school.

turtle, turtle

complacency at its best is me at my worst.
i am watching them pass me by without reaching out,
afraid to say anything that may bring harm.
frozen, unable to share warmth to their cold limbs.
it kills me that i have been unmoved for days.

accidental atoms

still a mere shadow

it's not enough, it's not enough
i could walk the world forever 'til my shoes are filled with blood
it's not enough, it's not enough
i could right all wrongs or ravage everything underneath the sun
it's not enough, it's not enough
to make me whole
it's not enough, it never was
awake my soul

chariots

we like to break rules

that moment when i stepped back inside my home and realized that a huge chunk of my life is leaving soon. go get 'em in college. gonna miss you.

just some odd noise

skies at the edge of summer

 you may have some passion, but don't think that praying louder
will make your prayer any louder to God than a silent one.
it is about the heart, is it not? as passionate as you may be in those
moments when you raise your voice, do not deceive yourself.
yes, prayer is a dialogue- but it is not one in which we, as children,
whine and annoy our Father with noise until He gives into our whims.
rather it is one in which we ask and receive according to His will.
passion is good, but in my opinion, trust is better. one is required.
am i doubting that you are putting your trust in God? not at all-
let this be a reminder to you not to let your emotions drive your
faith. i don't want you to end up disappointed if God doesn't answer
your prayers right away. instead, i want you to have the same mindset
as you ought to have in both dry seasons and times of passion- that
God is good and everything He provides for us has been appointed
according to His perfect plan. so, if you insist on praying loudly,
let me insist that you also pray faithfully and consistently.
i am so thankful for what God is doing in your life and i am excited
to see how He will grow you in the next year. you are loved.

life is good

enjoying this short summer, enjoying the rest
enjoying the moderate weather while listening to the calm acoustic
it's cute when girls challenge me to video games
speaking of games, enjoying all the fun board games and card games
enjoying the intermittent spouts of serious conversation
enjoying the honesty, the openness of my brothers
praising God for all of your beautiful life struggles
enjoying all of these good and brilliant thoughts i have for you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
avalon! hehe =3 thankful for all that He provides
enjoying this time to catch up on chores

socially awkward

here is a list of things i suck at:
cooking- just scroll down to find out more about this weakness
anything music-related- never took lessons (seriously)
introducing myself- college has taught me that my name is ____
knowing when to leave- i linger just because i enjoy awkward silence
timing- this goes beyond procrastination.
giving hugs- i used to give hugs all the time. to cinny.
saying "i love you"- generic and cliche and freaking difficult
words of wisdom- give me moar exp ploxx
managing money- i'm either reckless or mega asian with spending
making lists- the list goes on, but bleh

yelp review

as i write this post, i am chowing down on a cold, slightly soggy
sandwich with ham, egg, tomato, and avocado which my mom
made this morning. i am eating this sandwich only to get the taste
of my dinner from this place out of my mouth and to hopefully
nullify the pain that it has caused in my stomach. before i say
anything more about this place, i will tell you my story. today was
one of those special days that come every so often when i was
home alone. as a college student, i need food constantly or else
i get lazier than normal and my productivity level becomes absolute
zero. breakfast is simple- milk and cereal or (if you want to be fancy)
cereal and milk. lunch was convenient, because i was already outside
after watching pacific rim with some bros. i had chick fil-a. 5 stars.
but by the time dinner came around, i was conflicted- i didn't want
to spend money yet again, so i had a compromise. when in doubt,
look for coupons. el pollo loco, carls jr., and i even considered chick
fil-a again. 5 stars. after some 30 seconds of thought, i narrowed my
choice down to el pollo loco's stuffed quesadilla. what i decided on
next was perhaps my worst decision of the day- no, the entire week!
"i've really wanted to try this for a long time" i thought. instead of
going out to el pollo loco, i decided to cook for myself. basically,
it was level 2 of instant noodles- the kind where you actually boil
water and add stuff to it. oh wait, back to yelp reviewer mode.
the chef was young and quite handsome, but it looked like he didn't
even know what he was doing (and it showed when i tasted the food).
i mean, you know a meal is cooked poorly if it makes you sweat, cry,
fart, laugh, lose taste, have a small migraine, have a stomach ache,
and cry again in that specific order. it was just noodles and soup!
how can you screw that up? there are directions on the back of the bag.
the soup was way too hot and the noodles were too soft and watery.
overall, his performance was unprofessional...he even freaked out
when the water finally started boiling. ever heard of the old saying,
"if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen?" however, i have
to give him credit for one thing. he has a strong passion to improve in
the areas in which he is weakest. something about it is so contagious...
it's like i have the same feeling, you know? for that effort, i give him
1 nice try star and say "keep trying, kid!" maybe someday you can
make something at least a little more edible and make someone happy.
to close this review, i have finished my sandwich and i am glad to tell
you that my hopes have been met. the lingering taste of grossly spicy
noodles has subsided and my stomach had settled down. i also am no
longer sweating nor crying nor do i have a migraine. all that's left of
this meal is laughter and farts- i'm laughing at this unconventionally
pleasant experience. that is how i know, and you know now, that i have
just gone through something as a child again. you and i, let's explore.

taiwenifred

i got my wish, it rained today. but it was still hot, so
the rain was gross. kinda like taiwan. the smell of rain
today was not nearly as refreshing. and rain can't stop love.

maybe she will

renaissance man

four more weeks of summer school until two weeks of break.
and then it's back to regular school- the light at the end of the
tunnel dims as we approach it. all the things i said i would do
this summer, i have pretty much failed to do. summer school
is all like "you underestimate my power" and before i knew it,
time passed ever so quickly. it is hard to comprehend where
i am at this moment. in one instance, i forget everything that
i'm doing and feel nothing but confusion. in another, i am idle
and bad nostalgia rushes through my head making me feel
older than i should feel. here i am again, thinking this is all
a waste of time. and again He rings 1 thessalonians 5:16-18
in my soul. learn to praise and rejoice amidst the routine.

empty walls

not enough time to blog anymore.
looks like a blank summer ahead.

noble blood

i wanted to fight them today and pour out wrath instead of grace.
times like these make me respect your arrogance, william.
although you look down on other students, you would never
stoop down so low as to cheat like they did, like they do.
to hell with dishonest work. i don't care how long it will take me-
i will not compromise the truth! honor the Lord in all you do.

mustang

i should have given you a hug goodbye. and prayed for you as a
way of sending you off like a missionary. but i was gross.
is it strange that i feel defeated when i become this...ambitious?
will i blend with the background of the sea of the studious or will
i escape the mundane routine and be a light? seeing how i have
failed to speak truth in those moments thus far, i am not sure.
it becomes so complicated now. i just want to love and encourage
you, but pride and fear get in the way. don't forget, john, you will
fail to love perfectly and you will occasionally stumble. but God-
Christ Jesus is your advocate and He loves them in your place.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
watch this young naive boy be used by God to shout His love.
this summer is going to be awesome. i can just feel it.
...also, i'm going to be the third wheel just about everywhere.

blacklisted

you know those nights when you feel like the world
depends on you to get into the mind of sir isaac newton
and somehow jam a buttload of calculus into your
head until you start bleeding from the nose and mouth?
this is one of those nights which harbor every last inch
of hatred from within my soul towards every other class
which has watered down my math learning capabilities
to those of a stinkbrain. i'm starting to forget how to plot
simple polynomials and how to compute the areas of
simple shapes. my reserve of knowledge must have
discovered something was wrong and so decided to commit
suicide during finals week. my vision is becoming blurry
intermittently as i write this post. i want to sleep and be
confident for this math test just like i have been for every
math test that i've ever taken in my entire life. but, stupid
me- i drank coffee. so i have forced myself to stay up
staring at numbers and variables that no longer make sense.
when what i study does not make sense, i usually look it
over numerous times until all of it becomes clear. if i
repeat this process too many times, however, i start to lose
it. i've already lost it. the white noise drives me insane.
it reminds me how insignificant this night is. you know those nights.

a year and a half ago

so the semester here at ivc is finally wrapping up and i am
almost a second year. cramming and crapping papers- surprised
i have not cramped from all the writing. we had a group presentation
in class on wednesday and one of my group members fainted due
to fatigue and nervousness. thankfully, she was not hurt by the fall
to the ground and she managed to barely finish her part before
collapsing. aside from the scholarly chaos, i am still trying to bounce
back. from what...i am still unsure. it's definitely not from the floor
in the middle of a presentation. perhaps it is this apparent feeling that
i have had for a while of an awkward loneliness and isolation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yesterday, in order to ensure that i would focus on my studies,
i shaved half of my mustache as a form of insurance. determination-
if i did not fill my quota of study time, my punishment would be
leaving that other half unshaven. please, somebody. keep me here.

dog day afternoon

bro, saying 'swag' over and over doesn't make you any more swag
just like me saying 'bro' doesn't make me any more of a bro.
do you get what i am saying, bro? and while you're at it, i get the
sarcasm, but saying the wrong answer on purpose is only funny
so many times. let's hear your honest thoughts and encourage
one another continually, yea? use discernment for what you say.

let me whisper

it's raining =3

secrets...

...my family has a bunch and
i don't really know any of them.
also, school, can you just stahp?

never stood a chance

as i'm writing this post, i am just regaining my breath and blood is returning
to my limbs...my brother got into a fight with my parents and as always,
i was the odd man out- quiet in my room. after the fight my brother came
into my room throwing a tantrum at my stuff. fearlessly, i laughed to see
if i could quell his rage. it didn't really work...so i challenged him to a
wrestling match. he was like "you think you can beat me in this state? i don't
want to hurt you." and i said "psh...the way you're acting right now, you
look like a little girl!" one to two minutes later i'm on the ground gasping
for air- my vision actually blurred seriously! i hope that calmed him down
a bit...maybe he was acting, because he was smiling at the end. lack of
oxygen migraine attack commence! it was totally not worth getting
whooped. *immediately looks up "cqc takedowns" on youtube*

if you ask me

i'm not that good at mafia...

i'm done talking about what i think should be improved in terms
of church. yes, we lack consistency with prayer and bible studies.
people are leaving and "fun" events are overtaking friday nights
like a zombie infection. conversations are mostly superficial,
talking about video games and poop or not talking at all. cliques
are a must (sarcasm). ambiguities/ debatable topics in scripture
constantly being ignored. and now, questionable implications from
the pulpit. all these things and more- no church is perfect, john lee.
even the most solid teachers and pastors are human, test them with
scripture. disagreements over doctrine are bound to come up, test
them with scripture. people may be closer to certain people, show
no favoritism- love them all. break the surface level discussions,
lead by example and open up. beat the zombie infection- i mean
"fun" events- use them to build stronger God-centered relationships.
seek out those that have left- keep the family together, look for the
lost sheep and rejoice when he returns. have a small group leader
mentality and ask if people have been reading the bible. ask them
what they thought of certain passages and check to see if they
applied what they learned. do it out of love! pray for yourself and
others to believe in the power of prayer! continue to ask others
for their prayer requests! be eager to pray! oh, that i would know
the power of prayer! rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and be
thankful in all circumstances for this is the will of God for you
in Christ Jesus our Lord! thank You for giving me the freedom to
worship You. help me to mature in this truth and equip me for
every good work. all glory be to You. forever and ever, amen.

finial, bronze inlaid with gold and silver, late zhou period

adopt-a-child 2013: compassion
i wish i could have more time to speak. there are many, many things
that i have to say left. like how the motivation for being open and
honest and transparent and for confessing our sins to one another
is love. how when we are willing to break down our walls of pride
and trust our brothers and sisters to be there for us, it blesses both
those that listen and those who speak. we ought to be a community
of grace and be willing to walk through all the difficult parts of life
with each other. for there is therefore now no condemnation for those
that are in Christ Jesus. if you think that confessing your sins, that
you have bitterness, that you struggle with sexual sin, or self-harm,
that you've lied to someone, that you've cheated on a test, that you
idolize media, or any other sin- if you think that being open about it
will cause your brothers and sisters to condemn you, you are wrong!
you are a child of God, you are purchased by His precious blood, you
are forgiven, you are His! and you are now free to love Him and
those around you. what could possibly hold you back?

my words have been few

idleness. it just crept up on me. lazy saturdays...

march on, soldier

you know those nights when you've got this idea in your head
that you feel grows more and more as you roll in bed losing sleep?
i have been having those quite often recently- sometimes i even beg
God to knock me out even though i'm thankful for these wonderful
brilliant thoughts. the john lee of two years ago...he's becoming
furious. he wants to tell his little brother to run from this whole
affair before all the church drama repeats itself (i still hate church
drama). he wants to tell him that he is a fool for putting himself in
this dangerous situation- outside of Scripture. he wants to tell his
best friend to repent of this lustful relationship and turn to Christ.
he wonders if that boy even cared enough to ask God if it was His
will to seek this girl (with the intention of marriage)! intense?
holiness and radical Christian living ought to be taken seriously!
but...it's been two years after all. i have been praying for your sake
since then and i expect you to have grown from then- growth is
irrevocable if you are truly in Christ. enough with the gossip and
away with the apathy. pick up your sword and fight, young man!

unequally yoked

honestly, i'm a little butt-hurt.
-----------------------------------------------------------
these feelings may suck, but don't give up.
God is enough. trust in Him to fix your problems
and if He doesn't, trust that He leaves them there
for a good reason. Lord, help me to forgive. 

rugrat

i remember a couple weeks ago, k.c. asked the congregation,
"who here is younger than john?" literally, half the sanctuary
raised their hands. strange to be at this age where i'm caught
right in the middle of generations in the english ministry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
my mom did jumping jacks on the small trampoline in our
backyard, so that the babies would learn how to jump.
in response, they got on the trampoline and just waved their
arms up and down. they're so cute. i die every single time.

up the antique

this past week, i revisited the darkest depths of my being. a part
of me that i thought was thrown away long ago came to me with
clenched fists and a devilish grin. the anger and rage of my childhood
rushed to grab me by the throat in hopes of choking every inch of
joy within my soul. this was all imaginary, but in the midst of my
blindness and strife, i had wished such emotions to be tangibly in
front of me- so at least i could beat the crap out of them. if you ask
me how i am, i will most likely tell you that i am tired. just know
that i am fighting. and i couldn't possibly be in a better place.
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someone from india tried to hack my google account. i'm flattered.

goodbye febs

here comes the shadow
looking far out below
it comes when you destroy
everything that i know

s.w.w.

there is always silence after a fight in this house.
and i hate how it tries to disguise itself as peace.
every single time i am so powerless to kill it.
so it just keeps screaming at me with worries.
but when all things are still like this, You talk to me.
You tell me of Your sovereignty and faithfulness.
and with that, my soul rests well. You are good.

m.c.r.

middle class regime
myth creating rebel
mountain creek replica
mundane class review
milk chocolate rose
my charming rhinoceros
melvin charleston reginald
misty crescent rain
mischievous cats run
skyfall. done.

dare not trust in any other frame

"okay, i can get out of my rubble, like job, and say
'i know my Redeemer lives and i will see Him some day.'
and in the meantime, i'm not going to blame God. i'm
not going to question God. as an individual, i'm going to
ask God, 'what do You want me to learn in this?' and i'm
not going to make a pronouncement for anybody else
saying, 'this is why it happened. God did this because
you did that'- that's none of my business. but what i can
proclaim with certainty is this: if you are in Christ, whatever
happens to you is ultimately for your good and for His
glory. count on it." -todd friel, host on wretched tv

fair rating

i hear king of convenience played almost every time i go to panera
productive day of studying? hopefully, it wasn't wasted by a couple
hours spent fighting alongside paul revere. brainwashed by violence?
maybe. he ate all mah shrimp crackers. well, like three-fourths of it.
still, save some for me next time. i was thinking about why he was
there yesterday and was slightly annoyed by the fact that he just ran
into the zombies as if to help them. and the fact that he asked for a
ride, knowing full and well, but probably ignoring, that where he
lives is out of the way for everyone- except maybe faith (but she
barely hangs out this side of town). but then, i remembered his
laughter as he played lbp2. moments like those make me wonder
why i ever worry. i look around me and sometimes ignorantly wish
that people would stay a little longer- linger and loiter- but i see all
of these opportunities to love others and for that i am thankful.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it's going to rain tomorrow. shall i get some hot chocolate ready?

no painz

yo check meowt

so thankful for all of you lovely people!
my legs are in pain from all the running
and sliding and matrix-ing and ninja-ing.

mango hi-chews

the bag tricked me. why did i eat so much foodz >.<
two-day expedition at castle park starts tomorrow.
excited to see an old friend. still can't get over the
fact that he beat me in arm wrestling. you're getting
soft, john lee. i wonder what "conquer the castle"
would be like at night. i would definitely wear all black
for the full ninja experience...points and then level up.
last year of being a teenager. weird. winging it still. =3

not as ambitious

"Hello everyone! My birthday is coming up soon, so I was thinking about celebrating it this weekend! Hopefully, some of you remember when we had a "park day" during summer at University Park- I was thinking along the lines of a similar "park day" at Northwood Community Park (or as most call it, Castle Park) the one off Bryan and Yale. We'll play a game called "conquer the castle" (basically all-terrain dodgeball tag), or we'll play capture the flag. Soccer, kickball, and tennis (OR 5 VS 5 PRISONER TENNIS STYLE) are also options as to what we could do. And for those of you that don't want to be active, you can bring instruments and play music on the sidelines! And for those of you that are musically challenged (like myself), you can bring board/card games! POTLUCK FOR LUNCH?!? We could possibly get some barbeque going- depends on how many people show up. What else should we do? Worship session? Bible study? (Kevin Chen, *wink wink) Make some suggestions! Invite people!"
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for those of you that do not use facebook, you've officially been invited.

stay 18 forever

i have a calc exam on wednesday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

blind

since i have been on this media fast, i have not really played
any music whilst driving from place to place. this has caused
me to do two things: either sit in silence thinking about life
or sing older worship songs that we no longer sing as often.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
because of the cross, my debt is paid
because of Your blood, my sins are washed away
now all of my life i freely give
because of Your love, because of Your love, i live

i need you Jesus to come to my rescue
where else can i go?
there's no other name by which i am saved
capture me with grace
i will follow You

majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
empty handed but alive in Your hands
we're singing majesty, majesty
forever i am changed by Your love
in the presence of Your majesty

better is one day in Your courts
better is one day in Your house
better is one day in Your courts
than thousands elsewhere
my heart and flesh cry out
for You, the living God
Your Spirit's water for my soul
i've tasted and i've seen
come once again to me
i will draw near to You
i will draw near to You, to You

i called, You answered
and You came to my rescue
and i want to be where You are
in my life, be lifted high
in our world, be lifted high
in our love, be lifted high

making it

congratulations to all of you high school students who are done with finals!
you made it through! for those of you who are juniors and below, enjoy
your semester break. for those of you who are now second semester seniors
...come play with me. hue hue hue. seriously. or i will hunt you down until
you love me. anyway, for those of you whom i visited earlier this week,
i sincerely hope you were encouraged- i surely was by how you all welcomed
me and spared even a couple minutes aside from studying just to talk with
me. world, whachu know about this family? and to those that i failed to visit,
i haven't forgotten about you. i will find you. and then i will kil- i mean, love
you. lastly, a big shout-out: tiffsy, thank you so much for helping me under-
stand calculus! i am no longer paralyzed by integral problems! thank you!

sushi brain

today, caleb headbutted me. dem braincells.

dark knight rises

hahhahahahohohuuhuuhaha...i made a new card game.
and yet again, i find an excuse to spend time with the
people that i love, stranger or not. this one is not nearly
as complicated as "cards" and the concept is like a
combination of uno and big two. plagiarizing ftw.
i have yet to test this game on humans...other than me.
after a morning of revisions, "dishwasher" is complete!

rainy thursday

"what is she doing there?" i thought as i looked outside the window.
my parents were angry- i'm not sure whether at each other, at me, or at her-
and i asked them eagerly, "can i go out to meet with her?" they nodded "yes"
but looked at me with pity in their eyes like they knew something foreboding
and subconsciously, like i was expected to know it too. but like a child, i
ignored all suspicions and threw away all doubts and ran outside with my
blind faith. she was there, right in front of my eyes- i couldn't believe it. so,
i did the only thing i knew how to do- i crouched down from a distance of
about ten feet, flung my arms wide open, and called out with a smile, "cinny,
come here!" she was hiding behind a tree and as she slowly walked out, i
thought, "what if she's forgotten me? or what if she's become rabid and
vicious?" but my worries were quickly quelled when i saw that she
approached me as she always did- slow and with an emotionless face.
when she came within reachable distance, i grabbed her by the cheeks and
kissed her forehead. like always. i pet her soft fur and played with her ears.
then i kissed her wet nose and smelled her horrible breath- i didn't mind at
all- i was overwhelmed with happiness at this reunion. from that point on,
i knew it was a dream, i knew i was sleeping. but because of my stubborn-
ness, i wanted to stay in my dream. and because i stayed in my dream, what
happened next...happened. after i had kissed her several times, i wanted to
take her inside the house. but as i reached under her belly to pick her up, my
arm grazed her right hind leg and she flinched. immediately i knew some-
thing was wrong with her leg, because she would only flinch if she was hurt.
so i took a closer look and found that a part of her leg had been decaying to
the point where it was clearly thinner than her other three legs. i looked
back at my parents inside the house- they wouldn't look me in the eyes. and
we were all thinking the same thing. "this is it. the end of the line." but
foolishly, i said to her, "it's going to be alright. i'm going to fix you up!" it
began to sprinkle. she looked at me with shame in her eyes as if to say
"stop, john. i didn't come to ask for help." but foolishly, i ran back inside
to look for bandages and as i searched, all i could hear was the rain getting
louder, all i could think about were flashbacks of all the years we spent
together- i searched more vigorously as if i could somehow, through my
desperation save my best friend. i found no bandages, so i walked back
towards the glass sliding door thinking that i could at least take her in to
shelter her from the cold. but when i saw her again, i could not bring my-
self to move an inch further. standing at a distance of about ten feet away
from me, she stared solemnly, sadly, at my soul. and the rain revealed a
reality that i was not ready to receive. her fur was now wet and pressed
against her body- she was a skeleton. i could no longer hear the rain
though it was pouring and i could no longer hear myself speak, although
i was calling out her name. the only sound i heard, if such a scene could
look like a sound, was the word, "goodbye." and in an instant, her heart
gave in and her body collapsed. she died- and i wish the rain had lied-
because in the rain, she lied. i awoke and rain was falling from my eyes.

endureth

just keep loving them- even if you don't feel like doing it!
there's a difference between hypocrisy and self-discipline.
hypocrisy being the legalistic act of external obedience
while trying to hide your sinful intentions. and self-discipline
being obedient and acknowledging your brokenness in the fact
that loving them is a burden to you while pleading with God
to instead replace your heart with the joy of your salvation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i was going to blog about my late night thoughts, but i
felt like this was more important at the moment. also, instead
of just explaining my plan for this media fast, i think ima
just initiate it. recklessly loving? maybe, but fou fou personalities
can always find their own way to alter the unlovable things life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i do action rolls over my bed to open and close my window.

talk about motives

i need a break from break. my brain is craving food.
i'm going on a media fast- four hours per week.
discipleship, here we go! keep me in your prayers. 

what is this break

i am so hot right now...

a couple days ago, i went to danielle's house for bible study.
and, like always, we joked around about relationships and my love life...
danielle- "john, you are the heart breaker of efc east valley!"
me- "wait. what? how am i a heart breaker?"
danielle- "you dtr-ed with all of them! 'we're bros, right?' *fist bump"
me- "hey, that leaves no room for confusion! they know what's up."
danielle- "the problem though, john lee, is that you don't dtr multiple times in one night. you can't do that!
me- *pause "well...with this face of mine, i kinda have to."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
haha...look at that humility. oh, how i love the sarcasms.

learning music theory

so fly i can't even...

i think that if i collected all of my most profound thoughts that i have thought whilst driving or showering and put them into a scrapbook and then if i doodled on each thought as if one could possibly draw anything that resembles a paradox without using anecdotes in the margins so as to explain the vast complexity of such seemingly simple concepts and if someone were to stumble upon this hypothetical project of my never-hypothetical spare time and if that someone were to read my brilliant thoughts which would most likely be presented in run-on sentences much like this one because i find when i do think of things on such a deep level i tend to not pause- if and only if this were to ever happen do i think that i could pass off as being creative to someone.
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what have you done to me? i can't stop listening to this music! =3

simple gathering

friends on a morning walk

let me first start off by saying that winter retreat was truly great- i learned a
ton and was reminded of certain convictions that i had somewhat forgotten
during my first quarter of college. i really appreciate how pastor nick taught
us without sugarcoating or oversimplifying anything- although the way he
presented everything academically was difficult to keep up with note-taking
wise. but still, i found that as the retreat went on, i took less notes and tried
to simply listen. this time around, i had new friends from efc east valley!
or...they weren't new, but it was a new experience for me to interact with
another church as much as i did at winter retreat. and gbc played mafia with
us during the last night! games and fun aside, there have been two things
that i think God has been teaching me the most- though i'm sure He is
teaching me a thousand other things that i am unaware of. 1) the greatest
commandment. more specifically, loving God with all our heart and mind.
we are often taught to love God with everything- our entire being. but, and
this was discussed at retreat during small group time, conflict arises within
ourselves when what our heart feels does not align with what our minds
say. if you know me well, then you know that i rarely let my feelings get
the better of me and that i'm usually calm and collective. you also know
that when it comes to charismatics, i tend to shy away- reject even (i hope,
ihop, i hope not). you know that i delight in exegetical bible teaching.
but this tendency to seek knowledge and leave my feelings behind has
often caused me to not love God with all my heart and mind. i've come to
realize that although the heart and the mind are distinct, they were never
meant to be separate. what does this mean? it means that if we say we
love God with all our heart, but not all our mind, we don't really love God
with all our heart. same goes for the mind. so, it doesn't matter that you
feel good about God- even if you are happy- if you don't know who God
is or what the reason for your joy is, then your heart is not fully worshiping
Him. and then, for the thinker, like me, it doesn't matter how much you
know about God or the bible- if thinking about the character of God, for
example, if thinking about the goodness of God doesn't excite you or pull
on your "heartstrings," then your mind is not fully worshiping God.
naturally, our hearts don't always agree with our minds. but it is by His
grace and by the power of the Holy Spirit within us that our hearts and
minds can work together to produce such beautiful worship.