spending time with tiger

with my brother's wedding coming in less than a week, my
cousin has probably found these past few days to be somewhat
boring considering how busy we all were. but today, i did
absolutely no work and decided to hangout with him for the
majority of the day. i took him with me to get my hair cut,
we played sequence, i taught him my card game, and we even
talked a little bit about twilight. huh. like the vampire stuff.
apparently, the twilight series is his favorite movie series. and
he likes to dance and sing to k-pop. so, basically everything i
have been raised to despise as a man according to the standards
set by american masculinity is condensed in my cousin. hmm.
well, it's a good thing i don't subscribe to that standard of manhood
(or any standard hey-o) so chilling with him is cool. i want to take
him bowling or mini-golfing or hiking, but i always end up just
bringing him to our garage to play games. meh, our garage is still
pretty awesome (despite the pigsty my brother has made of it).
anyways, i'm thankful for this time off to play and relax.

solace song

how can this be
that grace was shown
to you and me?

He's adopted me
as His own
and now i'm free.

there's no greater name
that i've ever known
than His alone.

though all could bow to me

selfie-ception. you now have permission to hate me with a burning passion.

where i am at now...though i am not of a particular status
even though i am not in a place where i can provide for others,
even though every passing hour is marked with anxious panic,
where i am unsure of whether or not i will succeed, i can't help
but feel that this is exactly where i am supposed to be right now.
at every corner where my trust is driven near off the edge of a cliff,
i have cried out "i'm far too weak to carry on. this feels impossible."
at every corner, He says "watch this. I can do the impossible."
this week, i have had this constant back and forth conversation with
God in my prayers and i testify now that i am amazed by His grace.
in my self-induced panic, i stayed up studying like a maniac-
literally, i'm at that level of mumbling to myself from time to time-
and my energy has been running exceedingly low. the other day,
my body gave out and i was unable to study for a quiz in physics.
next day, there is no quiz in physics. i turned in my chinese project
late and my professor makes an exception for me (she is usually
not so lenient with deadlines). also, i find out that my math final is
two days later than the planned date (two whole days! do you have
any idea how much studying can be done during that time?) and
that the final will be partially cumulative on subjects which my
professor gave us in class today! and then i was behind on writing
a rough draft for my final paper in writing class- which would have
been due tonight, except class was cancelled due to fires in san
diego (my writing professor commutes from sd). what? like during
a time as crucial as this when deadlines are approaching one after
another, i get this crazy amount of grace! oh, and for those of you
who know my situation in my math class- that 65% i had two weeks
ago? now a 73%! what the heck, right?! how is this all happening?
some may accredit my academic success to my hard work, but to
this i say, it is all by God's grace. i mean, i am working like crazy,
but if you break it down, it's pretty clear that all of this is grace alone.
who supplies me with motivation to do work? who gives me breath
each moment regardless of my bouts of sinful thoughts? who allows
my brain to process all the concepts necessary to rightfully learn?
who reminds me when i am feeling hopeless that i have the greatest
hope which smashes every avenue of security that the world has to
offer? who brings me peace and keeps me from running away or
lashing out in fear and anger? who is forever my joy and satisfaction?
by God's grace, that person is God Himself.

a gentle response

I see how you are working hard day and night. I know it's difficult for you to see the purpose in all that you do sometimes. So let Me remind you of something- a mindset that you may have lost during the past few months. All that you are doing during this season- none of it should be done thinking "this is for me". John, this is for Me. And for them. You remember those nights I would plant thoughts into your mind- dreams of how you could use all of your time, resources, education, everything to bless those around you all for the purpose of bringing Me glory. You were so full of joy during those moments and your posture of worship was marked with praise upon praise, thanksgiving upon thanksgiving. Don't you remember constantly lifting your brothers and sisters up in prayer with such an eagerness that you could hardly even pray for yourself? Yes, I have called you to take on your responsibilities as a student and that requires hours of studying, but to suddenly stop praying to Me? No, you have been confused- anxiously needing to take control over everything based on your own strength. As a result, you have grown bitter, thinking that in order for you to achieve the goals that I set for you, you need to change into a cold-hearted machine cut off from all of your relationships. You are driven by the goal of getting a good job so that you can use what you earn to provide for others and give to the church, which is a great motivation. But that doesn't mean that until you get there, you are licensed to act like you are not My child. Do you not remember that I have called you to great suffering, but also to a greater joy in Jesus? Don't miss out on this opportunity here and now to enjoy Him. After all, you're not promised another day, you're not promised another chance to love others, you're especially not promised a job. So stop grumbling over all of these little things and realize My new mercies for you even at this very moment. I love you. No matter what the paper says or no matter how many times you fail, I will always love you. Trust in that truth.

sorry if i dissed you

welcome to my new life- where sunlight is as rare as mewtwo.
it is strange to think that for the past 3 days, i have not talked to
anyone about anything at all. aside from the usual one-word answers
and the necessary "yes, i would like mild sauce please," i mean.
and the words of my brother keep ringing in my mind, he says,
observing the stagnant posture i have whilst studying all day,
"better get used to it, this is how the rest of your life will be."
i have been anxious day in and day out to the point where despite how
mentally and physically drained i am, i still stay up at night thinking
about everything and nothing at the same time. to add to that, i have
become increasingly cynical about my life and my relationships with
people. i think it may partly be me rationalizing the formerly implied
inevitability of my loneliness. "why not cut off ties with all of my
friends? they're not going to stay around much longer anyway, right?"
or "i'm doing them all a favor by not wanting to get involved. no one
needs my advice or my company anyway. i'm just an awkward, quiet,
uninteresting, condescending waste of space." and while i know these
are just thoughts produced out of fear or resentment towards any
possible good that the future holds, i do seriously wonder at the end
of my day- thinking back through all that i accomplished in the past
few hours that i have vigorously spent on schoolwork-
"what good am i doing here at this moment other than recycling the
air in my room? what part of all this speaks of my life in Jesus?"
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for those of you who say math and physics are gross,
i'll have you know my math textbook quoted scripture to illustrate
scholarly theories of how the wall of jericho may have fallen due to
the frequency played by the trumpets. basically, when an outside
force (sound) matches a level specific to an object (wall), it can cause
the structure to oscillate at higher and higher amplitudes until it hits
a breaking point and the whole system collapses on itself. science!
also, my textbook contains footnotes on all of the theorist and
mathematicians who came up with the things that i am studying.
i find it amusing and terrifying that all of the footnotes i've read thus
far say that those people either turned insane or estranged from the
world. and then there was that one guy who got killed in a duel.