reboot

my immune system is failing
my shield was brought down
this depression is demonic
this sadness is prideful sin
i can relate to the cowardly lion
i feel the coldness of the tin-man
but i wish i was the scarecrow
but if only i had a brain, a quiet one
shut me up so that i can sleep
shut me down so that i can wake up
from this self-pity loneliness
from the other side of me...

broken

are we that different? are we so unrelated?
my earthly father, man of flesh, you make it difficult
for me to consider you a blessing from my Father.
how is it that you can never tell what is on my
mind when you always pride yourself as a psychologist?
yeah, right. because psychologists lose their temper
the moment their patients begin to mumble. maybe
running away from home twice was too little to convince
you that i can get emotional. maybe it was too much,
and you've been wanting to get rid of me since.
i'll admit it, i don't like talking to you- loathe it.
not only because i am forced to repeat everything i say
at least twice before you hear it, but because you
only have worldly wisdom to offer, always from experience.
what happened to fatherly discipleship? what happened
to teaching me about the bible through words and actions?
i wonder, before i was born, were you excited to show
me Christ? i would be...i would be terrified as well.
don't you know that to be my father, you would have
to love me unconditionally? that's a scary thought!
what if i turned out to be a murderer? you would still
have to love me. not in the sense that you ever owed me
anything- not money, nor clothes, nor food- but i never
asked you for it. i hate that about you. the moment
you get angry, you think you are God. think you own everything.
always using the same dumb lines, "when you are under
this roof..." when i am what? not your son? did you include
in that spectacular five-year plan of yours to disown me
when i left home? you treat being a father like its only an
obligation. not like a joy at all. no, if you never had me,
you could have bought that fancy car you've always wanted.
i apologize for getting in the way of your dream...i seem
to do that to a lot of people. and i'm always wondering
why after a sudden outburst the outburst even happened.
last time, it was because the dog you loved so much until
she started to become old couldn't control her bladder
so you decided to retaliate against our defenseless pet.
this time, it was because i simply didn't want to be asked
yet another night whether or not i had gotten into a
school that has, since the beginning of the year, become my
nightmare school. and i didn't want to get told once again
to find a job- i have a job already and it's draining me.
is it too much to ask for a peaceful dinner in which i can
not constantly think about grades, school, and my summer plans?
i already told you that i got into pomona, so what is with
the constant worrying? aren't you the one that wants me to
leave the most? arguably, cinny might want me to leave more,
but that is besides the point. the point is be my dad for once.
i think this is about my third or fourth rant about you on
this blog and the sad thing is that i've probably had a bit more
fun writing them than i've had with you throughout my childhood.
sorry, i just had to throw that left hook in there...
i don't actually mean to say that you're boring or lame.
you're just sometimes so tempting to punch. but, ephesians 6
says that i have to honor you and be obedient to you, so please
lead me right. we only have so much time left together, you know?
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wow...after calming down and reading, i've been reconciled
with my early high school self again! i realize that those
of you who may read this may be a bit disturbed by my use
of strongly rebellious sarcasm. trust me when i say that
i, too, can lose my cool- ha, i like to think i had an object
called "cool" to begin with...pray for me please.
clearly, i would not be this emotionally distraught if
the things that were clenching my heart and pulling from
all directions were good. also, pray for me to have courage.

trapped inside

to a sister in Christ,
i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i fail to understand you when you need me to. i'm sorry that i joke around when you want someone to be serious. i'm sorry that i can't make you feel a certain way about yourself. i'm sorry that sometimes, i can be an insensitive jerk and that i've hurt you...i'm sorry that i told you that i love you, because you probably still think that i don't- oh, but i do. i'm sorry that i'm not able to man up and take all of the drama and all of the insults that you may offer. although it may sound cliche by now, i'm sorry. please forgive me. i say this with all respect not because i want your favor nor because i want to be liked by simply everyone that i consider a friend, but rather because i, myself, can be as stubborn as anyone else when it comes to silence. so i'm hoping that it is not too much to ask that you would forgive me, because i don't want to grow cold...i don't want any interference in my relationship with God. and that's another thing. i'm praying that you don't ever tell me again that God doesn't care about you. that is a lie from the devil and you should know that by now- even if you get emotional, you shouldn't tell me that God doesn't care about you just to prove a point. nor should you use profanity to display your anger. it saddens me when i see a fellow believer use that language- no one with joy should have to resort to such hate-filled words. i tell you this not to condemn you- no, i want you to repent of your sins, because you've let your emotions, instead of our Lord, take control. and this is another thing. stop depending on me! depend on God! trust me when i say this, trust God! don't rely on me or any other human to always listen to you or be there for you, because humans will fail you. but our God is good and faithful to all of His promises. and you know what those are? well, one of them is that He will answer your prayers if they are according to His will! how awesome is that? and when you pray, do you know that the Holy Spirit is the one giving you the words to say? did you ever think about that, how you become completely in tune with God when you pray? it may seem random coming from me, but you are a beautiful young woman. (pause) i know...i'm charming, huh? let me ask you, do you honestly feel or think about yourself that way? i do, but the thing about a lot of girls is that they find it hard to believe that they are beautiful, even if they are told hundreds of times by hundreds of people- and rightly so, because the opinions of man are worthless! but God has made you in His very own image and while you hated Him before your conversion, God found you to be beautiful. and let me just say this to all of my sisters, you are so beautiful, not because of your outside appearance, but because you have the blood of Christ on you. now, don't get confused when i say that i love you. this kind of love is not the romantic kind of love that the devil has tricked so many kids into idolizing through society. i love you in the sense that i want you to grow in Christ in every possible way at every possible moment of your life. i want you to be constantly reminded to never give up the joy that you have in redemption and salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus. so please, do not give up. have a little faith.

also before you go

try your best not to say things like "no one wants me."
you are making it all too easy for everyone but me...
-from the nonchalant and pointless nostalgic

after level thirty-seven

tell me, old friend, do you remember what it
must have felt like to be as close as we were?
to me, you always have been my best friend and
i could say with all honesty that not a day goes
by in which i do not stop to think about you.
from sharing popcorn on sunday afternoons to
spending whole mornings fooling around- we did
almost everything together growing up. oh, how i
miss the sleepovers. while i would be irritated
when you would misplace every toy and every particle
of dust in my room, there was always something about it
that said, i don't mind leaving those things there.
don't remind me how we would go through our yearbooks
pointing out every girl that we thought was pretty
and how you would always tease me for liking someone
in a class with a teacher i had never heard of.
and although we would see each other five days a week,
we still had to make it six days a weeks, didn't we?
our parents must have thought to themselves, they will
never grow old, they can't possibly have lives of
their own without one another. it was impossible.
to think about how every mention or notion of
some kind of brotherly affection made me wonder,
that must describe just how close we are like
salt and pepper. you would be the pepper, because
you always preferred to eat the spiciest things.
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to be quite honest, i recall the day was november eleventh,
two-thousand eleven, the day that i finally witnessed to you,
when i first saw you, you looked almost like a stranger.
by then it was clear that things were going to be different.
you had not changed- always open and friendly with the smile
that had been engraved into my skin when you bit me as a child.
but i changed. for once, i was uncomfortable with joking
around as we usually do and i had a very clear conviction-
i could not let you go on living just to die. i wish i could
explain to you that wanting to hangout with me was not
just a coincidence- it was my desperate plea to God. you see,
i've known for a long time that our friendship was so strong
for a purpose and i had been wanting so badly to bring you
with me to church. but, it was on that night that i realized
truly just how urgent it was for me to share with you my faith.
you may be going to hell if i don't say anything to you now-
but that is not my reason for wanting to share with you!
i can't scare you into heaven. you have to want it first
before you even consider getting in. but, wanting heaven
is simply not enough! can't you see? i want you to want
God! to be able to know Him, to be able to trust His word!
that is what i want for you- i want to share my joy.
called to be the salt...

nokori kaze

dream? what am i dreaming about? when did i become stoic?
why have i learned to think the way i think? how did i
end up feeling such emptiness and lack of longing? God,
who do You want me to be? where did my eagerness to serve
go? did it die after all of the silence that i have held
in the midst of those who mock You? was it replaced
with a selfishness after all of the teasing and foolishness
i have witnessed- but not witnessed to? or perhaps i have
selfishly thought of myself if even for a moment that i
was worthy of my inheritance like the prodigal son?
why can't i become mindless? if i could become mindless,
would i still have pride and judge every molecule that
passes through my field of vision?
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God, can You save me from myself? can You rid me of my
fears? can You fill me up with Your Holy Spirit? can You
discipline me? i ask,can You increase, so that i may
decrease? can You give me peace? can You give me a new dream?

conspicuous

mwahahahahahahaha. i get to write the skit
for adopt-a-child in which i will be playing
the antagonist- a murderous heckler!
i honestly do not think serena would have
come up with such a dark, twisted way for
one of the main characters to die as i have.
so apparently, i'm a mastermind (intj)?
that may actually be true depending on how
deep and inspiring i can make this script.
however, i'm beginning to think that my genius
has never been prominent in my writing.
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ninja training tonight. swords and weights.
pull up wars with the brother for days...