blacklisted

you know those nights when you feel like the world
depends on you to get into the mind of sir isaac newton
and somehow jam a buttload of calculus into your
head until you start bleeding from the nose and mouth?
this is one of those nights which harbor every last inch
of hatred from within my soul towards every other class
which has watered down my math learning capabilities
to those of a stinkbrain. i'm starting to forget how to plot
simple polynomials and how to compute the areas of
simple shapes. my reserve of knowledge must have
discovered something was wrong and so decided to commit
suicide during finals week. my vision is becoming blurry
intermittently as i write this post. i want to sleep and be
confident for this math test just like i have been for every
math test that i've ever taken in my entire life. but, stupid
me- i drank coffee. so i have forced myself to stay up
staring at numbers and variables that no longer make sense.
when what i study does not make sense, i usually look it
over numerous times until all of it becomes clear. if i
repeat this process too many times, however, i start to lose
it. i've already lost it. the white noise drives me insane.
it reminds me how insignificant this night is. you know those nights.

a year and a half ago

so the semester here at ivc is finally wrapping up and i am
almost a second year. cramming and crapping papers- surprised
i have not cramped from all the writing. we had a group presentation
in class on wednesday and one of my group members fainted due
to fatigue and nervousness. thankfully, she was not hurt by the fall
to the ground and she managed to barely finish her part before
collapsing. aside from the scholarly chaos, i am still trying to bounce
back. from what...i am still unsure. it's definitely not from the floor
in the middle of a presentation. perhaps it is this apparent feeling that
i have had for a while of an awkward loneliness and isolation.
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yesterday, in order to ensure that i would focus on my studies,
i shaved half of my mustache as a form of insurance. determination-
if i did not fill my quota of study time, my punishment would be
leaving that other half unshaven. please, somebody. keep me here.

dog day afternoon

bro, saying 'swag' over and over doesn't make you any more swag
just like me saying 'bro' doesn't make me any more of a bro.
do you get what i am saying, bro? and while you're at it, i get the
sarcasm, but saying the wrong answer on purpose is only funny
so many times. let's hear your honest thoughts and encourage
one another continually, yea? use discernment for what you say.

let me whisper

it's raining =3

secrets...

...my family has a bunch and
i don't really know any of them.
also, school, can you just stahp?

never stood a chance

as i'm writing this post, i am just regaining my breath and blood is returning
to my limbs...my brother got into a fight with my parents and as always,
i was the odd man out- quiet in my room. after the fight my brother came
into my room throwing a tantrum at my stuff. fearlessly, i laughed to see
if i could quell his rage. it didn't really work...so i challenged him to a
wrestling match. he was like "you think you can beat me in this state? i don't
want to hurt you." and i said "psh...the way you're acting right now, you
look like a little girl!" one to two minutes later i'm on the ground gasping
for air- my vision actually blurred seriously! i hope that calmed him down
a bit...maybe he was acting, because he was smiling at the end. lack of
oxygen migraine attack commence! it was totally not worth getting
whooped. *immediately looks up "cqc takedowns" on youtube*

if you ask me

i'm not that good at mafia...

i'm done talking about what i think should be improved in terms
of church. yes, we lack consistency with prayer and bible studies.
people are leaving and "fun" events are overtaking friday nights
like a zombie infection. conversations are mostly superficial,
talking about video games and poop or not talking at all. cliques
are a must (sarcasm). ambiguities/ debatable topics in scripture
constantly being ignored. and now, questionable implications from
the pulpit. all these things and more- no church is perfect, john lee.
even the most solid teachers and pastors are human, test them with
scripture. disagreements over doctrine are bound to come up, test
them with scripture. people may be closer to certain people, show
no favoritism- love them all. break the surface level discussions,
lead by example and open up. beat the zombie infection- i mean
"fun" events- use them to build stronger God-centered relationships.
seek out those that have left- keep the family together, look for the
lost sheep and rejoice when he returns. have a small group leader
mentality and ask if people have been reading the bible. ask them
what they thought of certain passages and check to see if they
applied what they learned. do it out of love! pray for yourself and
others to believe in the power of prayer! continue to ask others
for their prayer requests! be eager to pray! oh, that i would know
the power of prayer! rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and be
thankful in all circumstances for this is the will of God for you
in Christ Jesus our Lord! thank You for giving me the freedom to
worship You. help me to mature in this truth and equip me for
every good work. all glory be to You. forever and ever, amen.