the night is young

"the scenery spins, we call it progress.
but i've seen this all before, when all's said and done,
we'll wake up on the floor.
true progress means matching the world to
the vision in our heads,
but we always change the vision instead."
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what a quiet weekend it was...and still is

patient in my ignorance

today, i tried on contact lenses for the first time ever.
while not the most pleasant experience, it was probably
the highlight of my week so far- considering this long
break has turned me into an antisocial, wasteful slob.
hopefully, things go well and i can avoid getting an eye
infection. i dunno...we'll just have to wait and see. haha.
my puns have also deteriorated with this uneventful break.
on another note, while talking about scary experiences-
i know it's kinda a stretch going from contacts to "scary"
but this is just how i transition, okay? so, coming home
from playing basketball tonight, i went to the kitchen as
usual to rinse my water bottle. when i was at the sink, every-
thing checked out to be normal. but suddenly the silence of
midnight at the lee residence was broken when a baby toy
straight across the kitchen in the living room turned on by
itself and uttered in a high-pitched childish voice "let's go!"
initially, my eyes dashed left and right only to find that no one
was around and that the toy indeed acted on its own. in response,
i showed some machismo saying, "alright! you wanna go?!?"
humoring myself (like i so often do when i'm alone), i finished
rinsing my bottle and put it away in the dish washer calmly.
but then the toy just had to throw in a child's laugh and an
overly enthusiastic "come on! let's play!" after i had internally
convinced myself that the first utterance was simply a fluke.
my heart kinda stopped. i kinda got instant chills all over my
body. i kinda hurried to gather my things to head upstairs. but
do not fret, my dear blog-reader you! i'll have you know that i
had the courage to walk up to the toy to see what was wrong
with it. of course, right before i pick up the cursed thing, it says
"bye bye" with almost a sarcastic tone like it was so over me.
i jump back and put up my hands getting ready to fight (whom
am i kidding? i dunno how to kung fu). and then i check the
reflections from the windows to see if i could spot some twisted
demonic vampire bloody mary thing- wait, but vampires don't
have reflections, john. don't be silly. okay, sorry dear blog-reader
you; i gotta get my facts straight. anyway, in the process of
searching for some evil spirit to battle against, i found nothing and
instead proceeded to check my own reflection out- hey, beautiful.
when i finally got upstairs, i told my brother about what happened.
and then he told me there was an earthquake that shook the whole
house and that was probably the cause for the toy turning on.
yeah, i'm just going to tell myself that. at 4 a.m. when i still can't
sleep. it was an earthquake. it wasn't a toy just toying with me.
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speaking of toys, we will be watching toy story 3 this friday
for movie night! get ready for some nostalgia to go along with
your nostalgia as some of you...nostalgia nostalgia nostalgia.
i don't know what else there is to say about the monstrosity of
feels this movie gives. also, i can't wait for popcorn.

patriot factory

what is there to say to the ones that have become distant?
"hello" is a good start, nincompoop. i forget what it's like.
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sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting
from the grave You've risen, victoriously

waiting for sunrise

forest of tall trees

challenging...at the end of retreat, the small group leaders were asked
to say one word to sum up their experience this year and i said challenging.
this year, i was reminded of the gravity of being a leader- perhaps due to
the intensity with which i was pushed to build friendships in such a short
time- but simultaneously remembering how blessed it is to shepherd and
guide a flock. without a co-leader, i led a group of seven seniors (most of
which were taller than me) and throughout the weekend, i worried about
how well i was leading my group. thoughts like "i want to lead the
discussion without spewing on and on about my own view or experience"
or "my small group members aren't opening up because i'm not asking
the right questions" came to mind. and before even the halfway point of
retreat, i began to feel down, because i doubted if i was using wisdom
when i spoke during small group. i started to worry that they were simply
nodding their heads in agreement without critically thinking for themselves
whether or not they believed what i would say. that on top of the fact that
pastor miller's preaching style was very different from what we are used
to hearing at retreats (and that no material or curriculum was given to the
small group leaders to help make discussions more structured) threw me
off and when i was scrambling for words to say or a question to ask, it
pushed me further into thinking that i was not doing such a great job.
so i examined myself- is my motivation wrong? is my approach wrong?
am i hitting them with too many big theological words and ideas? or am
i holding back? and after i asked God to answer these questions that were
swirling in my head, He pointed me to the examples of the apostles.
what is our job as leaders? is it to transform hearts and minds to be more
Christ-like? is it to regenerate lost souls? is it to save people? or to at least
get a response? no, not at all! our role is to simply preach the gospel
faithfully- and this gospel is not just a one-sentence sunday-school-answer-
this gospel is our whole lives! it is the work of the Holy Spirit that
transforms, regenerates, and saves. when i look at the examples of the
apostles in acts and the epistles, i can tell that they knew exactly what
their purpose was as the leaders of the church. it was not to start up
programs to attract nonbelievers or to worry about how persuasive they
were with the way that they talked- none of that which we see so much of
today. it was to preach the gospel day in and day out, during times of great
celebration and during times of great trials, with every breath they breathed.
and of course, i can imagine even they struggled with bits of discouragement
when perhaps they were rejected or just that the response they received for
proclaiming the good news was not what they had wished for. but despite
the circumstances, they never lost sight of their purpose. lifting nonbelievers
and believers in prayer, the apostles simply obeyed their calling and with
confidence, they trusted that the Holy Spirit would be transforming,
regenerating, and saving those that they shared the gospel with. in the same
way, my eyes were reopened this past weekend to my purpose as a servant
of the Lord. as i continued to pray for my small group members to
individually be convicted by the Word of God and have a greater desire
to worship Him for who He is and for what He has done- and that i myself
would stop worrying about whether or not i was leading well enough and
instead trust in God's faithfulness and His ability to change their lives-
by His grace, i was able to see a difference in our small group discussions.
they began to ask deeper questions and to give answers that went beyond
just "i thought it was good." and although no one broke down and cried,
i could not have asked for a better small group- a group with which i know
God has used to challenge me this year. i praise God for this winter retreat!
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also, i want to just point out that i was totally fangirling over pastor
tommy's workshop: great news for everything. such solid teaching! and
when he was writing things on the board, i would whisper to myself the
words that he would put right before he put them and then i would be
all giddy inside like a little schoolgirl. also, serving alongside my small
group leader from two years ago was quite awesome seeing how the
way i organized my small group discussions mirrored his discussions.
the theme of passing on the baton to the next generation is on my mind!

of course i wanna build a snowman

oh how little i know of such things in life.
this year for Christmas, my neighborhood
had no power until 5 p.m. we were just about
to have a candlelit dinner around a gas-powered
stove when suddenly the lights turned on.

skip the classics

how much longer do i have to wait to see?
because even a blind man can tell.
fighting dreamer, don't fall asleep on me again.
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two finals down and one last final to go.
does it help that littlebigplanet zombie 2
has been set in motion? no. rediscovering
my love for the creativity and diversity of
this game would be better if today were friday.

pick up line part 2

me during small talk

hey girl, i could be your 1 john. what's that? you've already dated a guy named john? well i could be your 2 john...i guess. kinda ruins the pick-up line that i've worked so hard on though. *corner of woe