stoaway

chipmunk

kerdaino
treasure lost
kerdaino
lost brother

nicholas

caged- i find that on days like these where i spend hours
in my room solving homework problems, my behavior is
similar to a claustrophobic snail. i'm afraid of my own shell,
all outside noises push me back in, and my mind becomes...
sluggish. i wonder if future me will look back upon these days
and think of how i toiled over these things. will he consider it
all worth the struggle or will he think to himself, "i should have
gone out that day. the weather was so nice and a little exercise
could have been refreshing." but at least this day had its changes
of scenery. i mean, the lighting of my room changed throughout
the day. i turned on the lamp at around 6:23 p.m.- that was exciting!
just a couple more months of this. we can do this, future me.

failure is for fighters

today, i have an exam in elementary differential equations.
it has almost been a month since i failed my first exam.
nice try, but these arrows lit with feelings of inadequacy
have done nothing but spur me on towards a better promise.
i'm not looking at myself to find confidence to face the day.
but don't be mistaken. boy, am i confident- grace upon grace
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pwned it.

emerald glass

i can't help but feel as if i have forgotten something or tossed outsomething important like a lid of an ice cream tin without licking it.
when was the last time i looked ahead with genuine excitement?
i can't remember what it was like. fall in line. here, i'm just a number.
man, i never imagined the concept of how lonely being home would be.
i want to give up. i want to give up so bad. there's no point of adding
oil to a car without an engine. my tires are flat and my mind is exhausted.

jinx me something crazy

kapwah- lift your head up, heavy heart
walk on with your gaze set ahead.
never stop exploring, love discovery.
does the peace in your life lead you to helplessness?

is that what you call tact

ever since last friday, i think i've been physically depressed.
overworked, lack of sleep, unhealthy convenient junk food,
lack of exercise, intermittent migraines- you get the picture.
this physical depression reached its height on thursday night
when i was reminded of what it was like to have a stomach
ulcer. feeling like my stomach was going to burst out of my
sides in the middle of the night, helplessly squirming in pain,
not knowing if i should move out of fear of triggering even
greater discomfort, my head spinning, a fiery fever emitting
from my arms, an icy chill down my spine and legs, and a
slipping grasp of my notion of time- at one instance, ten minutes
seemed to be a few hours and at another instance, the sun seemed
to rise in a matter of seconds. disoriented, i spent the majority of
yesterday lying down while thoughts of anxiety constantly passed
through my mind. three weeks into school and this is what i have
become. i thought about high school a lot yesterday. about the days
when i could be nonchalant with everything and everyone. in a
good way i mean. and then i had a strange dream that i threw a
bag of mini-wheats at my dad. what. i've been listening to
takingbacksunday a lot lately and i've been in an alternative
punk rock mood in general- which is probably not good, because
i fear that one day during this semester i may simply storm out of
a class just because i can't handle it anymore and then pretend that
i know how to shred on my little air guitar while rocking out my not
so rock-able hair (haha we all know i'm not cool enough to do that).
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but ninjas don't get sick, they simply get humbled
after a day and a half of rest, i'm back and ready to
take on the world! one step at a time...

pity nods

a room full of tired eyes and the different weeks that got them there
is it strange that i felt loneliness build up the more time we spent together?