using you

i read matthew 14 today and in it, there is the familiar account of Jesus feeding the five thousand. as i read through it and recalled other accounts of Jesus feeding large crowds, i thought of the many times these passages have been preached on throughout my life. the familiar point being made that with the little that we bring to God (five loaves and two fish), God is able to use that abundantly for the purpose of something greater. while this idea may be encouraging to hear, it can lead to erroneous thinking about how faith works. we learn in john 6 that the same crowd that saw Jesus perform the miracle of multiplying the bread and the fish seeks Him again the next day and their true intentions are revealed in the words of Jesus. they followed Him because they saw results in the past and they continued to follow Him because of their empty stomachs. Jesus then claims to be the Bread of Life and that those who eat of His flesh and drink of His blood (speaking of having genuine faith) will be satisfied. the crowds do not understand this claim, because they can only think of their physical hunger and they are blind to who Jesus is. to be able to multiply bread was analogous to being the author of life itself. the way i see it, these passages are not there to tell us of what God can do through the little that we bring, but rather to simply tell us who He is.
yes, pour into your ministry, pray for things to happen, offer everything you can and have faith that God is using you for the purposes of His kingdom. but ask yourself before all of that, are you satisfied in Him? would your answer be the same if you sacrificed everything for a ministry and He chose to take that away from you? would it be the same if you spent hours in prayer, but you were kicked out of school with no income and no way to get fed? the problem i have with the popular interpretation of this miracle is that it may teach us to expect blessings from God and it does not deal with the heart issue of whether or not we see our relationship with God as the highest blessing of all. is He your source of joy, comfort, contentment, peace, and rest? i pray that it would be so.

hopeful and faithful

camera face

salutations!! it's been a while since my last post and quite a lot has happened since then. this school year, i've found myself to be in a familiar place (sorta like old problems, new faces type deal and the lessons that come with those problems haha). let's see...i think where i am now as a senior in college is somewhat similar to where i was as a senior in high school. only less energetic and much more snarky.
as a senior in high school, i was less concerned with my own future than with the future of those around me, namely, my fellow church members. years of serving, investing, praying, leading, learning- i didn't want to leave it behind. i legitimately thought that the lack of my presence would hurt my church. thinking "well, i've been the one that always volunteered and was volunteered by others to do things around here. initiating bible studies, planning hangouts, coordinating church events- no one is going to do that without me around". the arrogance that i guised as love and care was only dispelled when a dear friend told me the summer before college that "the church is God's church. it's not yours".
now, as a senior in college, i find myself in that same mindset i had before with my concerns shifted towards the future of ccm. it's been almost a daily struggle for me to not have a hero complex in this ministry, to not buy in to the lie that i can salvage it by some effort that only i can do. since the beginning of the year, three of the leaders in the ministry have stepped down, all telling me that they are spiritually bankrupt and that they don't know what it means to be loved by God. in the aftermath of this discouragement, i fell into that thinking again- the height of those thoughts being that i was the sole decider of the ministry's fate, that this was my cross to bear (ugh...so drama). and again, i am being called to trust in God's sovereignty. the ministry is His, He is the author of faith, and salvation belongs to Him. i was reminded recently of these truths by brothers who told me to simply be "hopeful and faithful". it may seem like a lackluster revelation, but really God's calling to me in this situation is simple. any other calling would probably lead me astray from humility.
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i haven't put it in words until now, but a goal i have for this quarter is not only to remain steadfast in hope, but also to be a source of hope for others. i want to pursue excellence in all areas of my life, so that i can help those around me experience the victory of a life of faith. in particular, the victory over procrastination and being a lazy chump lol.

ccm log 4

ministry is messy. that is how it is and that is how it should be. over the last few days, i have had to go through difficult conversations with people in leadership about discouragements and doubts regarding ccm. mostly about how one of the core members decided to give up on following Christ and another core member that has been struggling with depression, which has led to questionable leadership behavior in recent weeks. while these things might trigger thoughts like "this is to be expected of a dying ministry" or "this is proof that what we are doing is meaningless", i cannot help but feel a certain weightiness regarding my own life and walk with Christ. what can i do? as president, when i see this turmoil going on in leadership, the thought that i can't seem to shake is "be a faithful rock. be a loving shepherd". a calling to be an example to these broken people- even as i am broken- to show them what it means to sacrifice everything for the pursuit of God and to grow a heart for people's souls.

ccm log 3

contemplating life face

it has been over half a quarter serving with ccm and it feels as though i have only tasted the fringes of what God has planned for this ministry. while i entered the fray with the mindset of making disciples in the context of the general body members, it is becoming more apparent to me that i need to minister to my fellow leaders first before realizing that initial goal. i have grown to trust my team members over the past few weeks. i trust that they can get things done when i assign tasks to them. but ministry should never be just about getting things done. secret sin, spiritual immaturity, and biblical illiteracy is frequently portrayed in splashes of conversation during team meetings. and more and more, i get the sense that i am somehow an anomaly for having a "heightened" sense of spirituality and that others think it the norm since i am the president. whereas i think it to not be the norm for them to be leaders while not having the elementary disciplines of consistently being in the word and in prayer and seeking growth. of course, this is a way in which God has challenged me to trust in Him, that He can use us, flawed as we are, to achieve mighty works for the kingdom. and i am not complaining about the team that God has given me- they are my brothers and sisters and i love them each, not just for what they bring to the ministry, but also simply because of who they are in Christ, struggles and all.
but tonight i am being shaken- knowing what i know- i am being shaken. not so much in the sense of doubting whether or not God will accomplish great things in ccm or even in my own life, but rather in the sense of having nearly overwhelming sorrow for what i have heard. i don't know how to walk with someone who is on the path to apostasy...and i am mourning for that person.

ccm log 2

sometimes, things not going according to plan is a good thing.
always respond to emails, texts, and messages. be accessible!
praise God both in times of failure and in times of success.
pray for the people in your ministry. at least pray for two people a day.
make it known who signed up for which
responsibilities and hold them accountable.
don't be afraid to hope for a large turnout at events. our God is not small.
forgive one another for when mistakes are made.

ccm log 1

invest in a canopy for tabling next year
do an off-campus outreach event during week 1 since reserving rooms is impossible
get through logistics during meetings as soon as possible- rehearse what needs to be said beforehand
pray pray pray pray pray
be stern about being on-time for meetings- set an example by arriving early

summer sesh

along the coast is one place where i don't mind being stuck in traffic.