knock on my door frame

sappy jerk

i miss having my older brother around. and i mean that in a
conceptual sense- not so much in the "i haven't seen him a long
time" sense, but more like i miss our family dynamic. he was
basically my roommate for 20 years, so it's difficult for me to
accept that we can never go back to those days when we could
just hangout whenever. i miss knowing that he'd be in the room
next door probably reading up for small group or watching sports
videos or korean dramas. i miss him "bothering" me whenever he
was bored and reminding me to take time away from all my busyness
to spend time with people. i miss showing off to him the results of
my workouts and comparing our muscles in front of a mirror under
a complimenting light and him always saying "yea, whatever, because
i got the better-looking face". i remember right before he got married,
i was in the middle of an anxiety crisis with all the pressure of school
weighing down on me. i had practically spent an entire month in
isolation studying for a class that my admission to ucsd was dependent
on. you can imagine all the voices inside my head going on and on
about how important it was for me to pass. i even dropped church
responsibilities and stopped attending- if felt like forever. but
all throughout that time, my brother was still around and he witnessed
how the prolonged seclusion was affecting me. we don't share many
confrontational moments, but when we do, i always come out a different
person. it was a wake up call- what he told me a few nights before my
final exam- "hey listen. just know that no matter what grade you get,
it's God's grace, okay? it's His grace, you understand?" i just nodded
my head trying to act like i knew- psh, i'm a youth adviser of course
i know that pfft- but it was like i didn't. you might think that such a
simple truth should be 101 for any Christian, but when you're crippled
by doubt and anxiety, it's easy to lose sight of such a thing. long story
short, my outlook on my studies changed because of what my brother
said at a time when i needed to hear it most- i got like a 96 or something
incredible on that final (all God's grace) and then came his wedding.
yay happy ending. point is, i haven't forgotten what he said, but it
doesn't negate the fact that i miss his presence in general. i've got finals
in about six hours and it'd be nice if he could just "bother" me right now
so that i know not to worry about anything. plus, my current roommate
sucks. i'm supposed to be the one that farts a lot. sheesh.