pick up line part 2

me during small talk

hey girl, i could be your 1 john. what's that? you've already dated a guy named john? well i could be your 2 john...i guess. kinda ruins the pick-up line that i've worked so hard on though. *corner of woe

clam up

is it strange that i'm already experiencing heart pain at this age?
like, real physical my-body-can't-move kind of stuff, romeo.
if i could describe it, it's like getting all your oxygen sucked out
starting from the chest all the way to your fingertips. scary...
and it's not just a fluke either. this always happens when i stay
up doing busy work. i should probably go see a doctor about this.
but heavy breaths and pounding my chest is all i can afford to do
whilst i'm slaving away trying to pass my classes. man, i want to
go out. i find it depressing that i check the weather daily, but rarely
experience that weather whether good or bad. it's always the same
in my room night and day. and i'm always looking down in here.
notes, homework, research, schedule. if only i could project them
on my walls. and actually move around in this cramped space.
sigh...yet another day has gone by. anpan sparking. anpan. anpan.

diligent monster

so fashuuun

sloth is about to die.
triple popped collars.

worst break ever

as a result of this weekend's family drama,
i punched a hole through my desk (rawr),
applied to twice as many schools as i originally planned,
wasted time pouting and indulging in self-pity,
did absolutely none of my homework,
and hugged a dear friend whom i had sincerely missed.
was it all just for nothing or did i somehow need
the pain and the sadness of these past few days?
i'm not sure, but then again, why should i care anymore?
my joy does not rest in circumstances. i'm free and alive.

in the fire

"in your anger, sin. let the pride swallow you whole.
fight back with your fists and give your brother the beating
he deserves. you could destroy that weakling. shut him up
for good. make him respect you as more than a piece of trash.
come on, don't fool yourself. you have merely suppressed
the beast that lives inside. admit it, you would enjoy making
him suffer. you want to see him cry in pain and fear."
no, psychobabble is psychobabble. and family is family.
in these moments, i'm reminded that my family is always
at each others' throats looking for a trigger to justify conflict.
and i can do nothing but step back and watch them burn.

icebox

i'm petrified, frozen in my ability to speak truth.
if only you could hear my thoughts, you would hear
love a thousand times a thousand times. but these
delicate situations have me situated in a cold place.
standing on the surface level, which is like thin ice,
i see that you are drowning just beneath the clear floor.
and every time i try to break through, 'wisdom' whispers
to me "just keep your cool" and i remain a bystander.
never wanting trouble to the highest degree so i just
leave everything at absolute zero.

where the thief breaks in

since when did i start to be so cold to supposedly close friends?
since when did i stop waving the banner of joyful love?
entitlement to anything is really just the entitlement to one thing:
being an idiot. and that's exactly how i've been.
repentance, repentance is exactly what i need.
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or i could just fake my death and move to alaska...