work in me

thinking back to how i was prior to my conversion,
i've realized that when i sinned against God, i would
always beg for no punishment- that's how i used to view
mercy. now, when i sin against God, i find myself asking
God, pleading with Him to discipline me. why is that?
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"jacob I loved and esau I hated."

single beloved

i'm never going to have a wife,
because i'm never going to finish
preparing for God.
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i miss my little-boy hair
well, on the plus side,
my cap can actually fit now!

my brother's sermon

when you are married, you will learn to cherish peace with your wife.
it may not always be there, but when it is, how much more true is the
saying, "there's no place like home." truly, no one wants to go home
where there is nothing but conflict, arguing, fighting, etc. so, peace at
home is to be valued. we don't want to feel alienated in the place where
we are supposed to be accepted the most. in terms of evangelism, this
may be something we have often missed. when we are debating within
our minds whether or not to witness to others and settle with the latter,
it is usually because we want peace. no arguments, no mentions of sin,
no warning of hell, just silence and passive smiles. we fear rejection,
judgement, the condemnation of man. we don't want to be part of the
fringe. we want peace most of the time, because we are not always aware
of our residency. this is not our home. why should we ever settle for
peace here, when sin is so rampant in the world? we're supposed to be
different- to be hated by the world- because we represent Christ. and
He's already reserved a place for each of us in our home. we're supposed
to be fighting and continuing Christ' work. if there was such a thing as
a truly peaceful gospel, no one would want to have killed Jesus. no one
would be offended, no one would be told of their sin, no one would be
saved. but thankfully, the true gospel never conforms to the world and
remains as the most difficult truth to accept, so that some may come
to know God. and we are not without hope in sharing this truth, for we
have the Helper, the Holy Spirit, who is not bound by flesh and is in
each of us. you must know that you are never alone, even if no one is
beside you, you have someone much greater than yourself, or any human
companion, within your soul. empowered by the Holy Spirit, we, as
the body of believers, are able to do even greater works than Jesus!
that is His promise to us! doesn't that seem almost impossible to grasp?
but it is possible, because our Lord is always faithful to His promises.  

generations

there has been something in the back of my mind for a while now:
the idea that fellowship has become somewhat an idol and change
is needed. as a core member and a small group leader, i've noticed
a trend that i'm not necessarily excited about- too much time spent
planning big events and too little time spent teaching the bible.
don't get me wrong. i enjoy the game nights, appreciation nights,
and all those other events- they're great for building our fellowship!
but when we hold only one bible study a month where our attendance
is rarely even half that of any other event, (not to mention our lack of
leader attendance at the pre-studies), something seems a bit wrong.
when i asked a brother what he would think about having a bible study
every week, he told me that it would be boring...why is that? since
when did Christians have the mentality that the word of God was
boring? oh, you're right. it's because we're young, right? [(sarcasm)
"i mean, think of the middle schoolers, john! they're going to leave
if we don't have all these events. (more sarcasm) john, you're a leader!
therefore, you have to show them by example through planning things
like adopt-a-child, parent appreciation night, and so much more!
(sarcasm sarcasm) how else would our fellowship be run? listen,
the younger kids just aren't spiritually mature enough, okay?"(end)]
back to my point, we spend so much time thinking about how to
make church "fun" that our fellowship slowly merges into just
another social gathering. it's a scary thought- that even now, our church
may be hindering younger believers who are eager to study the bible,
because there is not a consistent sense of discipleship or accountability
week after week on friday nights. to add to that, don't you think those
whom we older kids assume to be spiritually immature need constant
biblical teaching even more? and i say this for the leaders too. a
recurring theme has shown up in all of us: stress from planning.
or maybe it was just me, because you all look at me as if you're sorry
for something? seriously though, none of this planning is needed!
honestly, leaders, can you imagine, instead of planning for events,
planning lessons every week? am i the only one that would find that
to be so incredibly awesome? or fun even? or joyous? and i don't mean
to judge any of you, but if you're not passionate about teaching the
bible, then maybe you should not have chosen to be a small group leader.
i'm not saying that any of you fit that description, but that is the message
you're sending when you don't show up to bible studies to me and more
importantly, to your small groups. love, i say this out of love, understand?
looking back at all my years spent at church, i would trade all those
game nights for bible studies in a flash. i keep thinking that if i was taught
the true complete wonderfully beautiful gospel of the glory of Jesus Christ
while i was still in middle school, my faith would have matured so much
more than it has in the past three years. but, i can't complain- God has
His perfect timing. the point is, to my younger brothers and sisters,
i want you to be unified, yes, but more than that- that you would be firm
in your faith, bearing good fruit, and that you would be deeply in love
with our Lord and Savior. to my older brothers and sisters, thank you
for helping me, for dealing with me with patience, and for loving me.
to some of you whom i have told that i won't be around as much
next year, that might no longer be true. we'll see what our Father has
planned for me. yes...we'll see. (awkward laugh) 0_0

i sometimes think

people see me as a jerk, someone who doesn't understand pain.
i'm constantly out of style and everyone has to tell me so.
i would enjoy telling my friends to never talk to me again.
the fast-pace "real" world will trample me as soon as i step in.
someone else on the planet would be better at being me.
that the statements are true, that i was found in a garbage can.
everyone is scared that i will hurt them in one way or another.
my childhood could have been just a lie and i was never innocent.
i would prefer dying before anyone close to me did in a horrific way.
my dad may have a point for being so pessimistic in his world view.
whatever situation it may be, it could be worse...and with sharks.
the concept of teen romance may be my second biggest fear.
my life would have been easier as a mega hermit.
i chose engineering to avoid having to actually think about the future.
our society is going down the drain within the next two generations.
some brothers like drama and relationships more than sisters do.
i use my head way more than my heart, yet i'm emotional. what?
too much of the past can hurt you, but i think about it anyways.
about how i've practically failed to accomplish my dreams of farming.
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but all these fluttering thoughts are unimportant to me, to my soul.
although my flesh may wander, the Spirit remains the same.
transforming me so that i may conform to Christ, help me set
my mind on things above this world. help me find true love.

aggressive drivers

today, i drove to my college-to-be to take a placement test.
some drivers are so inconsiderately aggressive with lane changing.
never before have i been so stressful while driving. and to top that off,
my mother was in the passenger seat treating me like i just got my permit...
on the way back, we talked about my future plans (kinda their plans for me)
and i explained to my mom how i would not see the light of day for
the next four years. right before we arrived on our street, i said jokingly,
"on the bright side, this means i won't have a girlfriend anytime soon
seeing how my social life will become dead." my mom was reassured that
this was the right college and potential career for me.

change me

if Your presence goes, then i don't want to stay.
if Your presence stays, then i don't want to go.

pick-up lines for Christians

before i met you, i didn't believe in predestination.
i wonder...is it a sin that you stole my heart? 
excuse me, miss, i believe one of your ribs is mine.
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is your name 'grace'? because you're irresistible.

just keep swimming

so i went swimming today, and it was rather cloudy and cold so i didn't expect anyone to be at the pool. upon my arrival, i was correct. the pool was empty, the water still, not a shred of noise. as you can imagine, my imagination often leads me to think scary thoughts in scenes like this. thoughts that went along the lines of: "sharksharksharksharkshark-deadgirl-sharksharkshark-atthebottomofthepool-sharksharksharkshark-lookingstraightintomyeyes-sharksharksharksharkshark-waitingtopullmylegsdown-sharkshark-whileiamswimming." as i was swimming in paranoia, a young man, about the age of 30, appeared at the gate. i stopped by the side to observe that the man was on his phone and making his way over to the jacuzzi. so he didn't bother me and i kept swimming. it was when i got out of the pool to rinse in the shower that things got weird. before i turned on the water, i heard him say, "hey! you, over there! hey!" i didn't look in his direction, because i thought he was talking to a random jogger. then, as i walked back to my belongings, he called out enthusiastically, "there he is!" i looked this time. "yea, i'm talking to you! how's the swimming going?" i replied awkwardly, "good, i guess?" a big smile rolled across his face. "yea? you getting stronger?" i tried to be polite and said, "yea...a little bit." for some reason, this made him applaud me. "whew! yea! just keep swimming, baby!" when he called me, baby...i broke out into nervous laughter. after that, i reached my things and packed up in a silence full of quizzical squinting. i wasn't quite sure what had just happened.