too close to the sun pt.2

...but then ccm ended. the school year came to its abrupt end and when it came time for the student leaders to come together for discussions regarding the future of the ministry, the overwhelming conclusion was to disband ccm in san diego. and i kept a strong appearance for as long as i could, so as to not discourage anyone that i served with for their decision. i kept thinking to myself, "they learned a great amount from this year and their experience will equip them to better serve their respective churches next year"- that was the hope that i held onto to be emotionally reserved.
when i finished my finals and went home, i knew some form of disillusionment would be brought to light. the reality was that i gave up a significant amount of time to invest in the ministry- time that i did not have- and ended up in danger of academic termination. the period i spent waiting for my grade results felt almost as long as the year as a whole and during that time, all of my emotional baggage that i carried expressed itself in an acutely devious desire for isolation. promises to my friends at home to meet and catch up proved to be empty and my visits to berean only convinced me of the sentiment that the concept of a "home church" was now unfamiliar to me.
all that effort i put in- those long talks, making myself available to everyone and everything, thinking "i want to help these people in their faith"- memory after memory i started to pick apart as some twisted manifestation of my wicked self-righteousness. "no, i really did this for my own praise" and "not a single moment of this past year was spent in honest obedience to God" were some of the thoughts that came to mind. i didn't honor my parents. i neglected my primary responsibilities and even worse, i used the ministry as a shield to those responsibilities in the name of a "higher calling".
ironically, my extremist response was to sever myself from all forms of ministry so as to not even entertain the risk of being immersed in serving and i wanted, again, to explore the possibility of separation from the church.

too close to the sun pt. 1

what a peculiar state to be in, where my mind intellectually sprints toward the precious truths that have been anchored in the depths of my soul and simultaneously, my heart stubbornly sits in the emotional gunk in the aftermath of a harsh awakening. it is common for me to struggle internally as such, but i say this state is peculiar, because of its commonality. am i wholly my mind? wholly my heart? both or neither? i wish that they would just agree right now, so that i wouldn't be caught in this limbo of being inconsistent in my thoughts and actions.
i want to be better. i want to be truly obedient to my God and honor my parents. i want to take responsibility for my past mistakes and believe that i can change for the better. but sin, seizing every opportunity in my vulnerability, is running rampantly. and my failure leads to more frustration with myself and more doubt over the Spirit's sanctifying work in me. and i begin to want to fail even more so and my attempts for repentance lack genuine brokenness.
those words spoken to me by my friend still ring loudly in my ears. "john, you have the most...conviction out of all of us," he said, asking me to take the lead for ccm during our summer leadership retreat. that was the moment when my decision to take charge of the ministry switched from a solemn "no" to a determined "yes". and i did not switch my decision lightly. it took a lot of prayer and courage for me to tell the previous president that i was unwilling to take his position when he asked me last year. but i changed my mind later at the retreat, because i had presumed to have witnessed a group of young, immature believers going into serving without much guidance- like sheep without a shepherd- and i proceeded, by my friend's confirmation, thinking that my leadership was necessary.
i knew full well right from the start that this year would be challenging- on the same night that my friend said those words to me, two other leaders (now under my authority, heh) stayed up to talk about how depressed they were over being rejected by girls, using the full range of expletives to express their despair. in addition, not a single one of these leaders had a consistent practice of basic spiritual disciplines at the start of the year. the idea of reaching our campus through evangelism was portrayed as a characteristic reserved for other ministries. the sense of traditionalism of large annual events was firmly held despite the need for our ministry activities to adapt to the ever-decreasing number of existing members. and the bar of expectations in terms of personality and presence was set high by previous leadership teams.
so naturally when i made the commitment to lead, i went all in, holding nothing back. my prayer throughout the year was for this to be glorifying to God- despite the outcome of events and the disappointments that come with falling short of expectations- that somehow this ministry would bring people to know the gospel and be a blessing to our campus. i was fully convinced that what i was doing was good and right and pleasing to God. i received praise from my peers about how faithful i was and how i encouraged them- and i attributed my ability to serve as i did to God's grace.

the melting point of wax pt.2

"daedalus was the architect who had contrived the labyrinth for the minotaur in crete, and who showed ariadne how theseus could escape from it. when king minos learned that the athenians had found their way out, he was convinced that they could have done so only if daedalus has helped them. accordingly he imprisoned him and his son icarus in the labyrinth, certainly a proof that it was excellently devised since not even the maker of it could discover the exit without a clue. but the great inventor was not at a loss. he told his son, 'escape may be checked by water and land, but the air and the sky are free,' and he made two pairs of wings for them. they put them on and just before they took flight daedalus warned icarus to keep a middle course over the sea. if he flew too high the sun might melt the glue and the wings drop off. however, as stories so often show, what elders say youth disregards. as the two flew lightly and without effort away from crete the delight of this new and wonderful power went to the boy's head. he soared exultingly up and up, paying no heed to his father's anguished commands. then he fell. the wings had come off. he dropped into the sea and the waters closed over him..."

the melting point of wax

a familiar scene from naruto comes to mind- that part when naruto finds himself in the hospital after his fight with sasuke and jiraiya is there to convince him to give up on sasuke, giving him a long spiel on why it is not smart to pursue his friend. always determined to fight for his friends, naruto responds "i'd be happier living as a fool if that's what it means to be wise!"

using you

i read matthew 14 today and in it, there is the familiar account of Jesus feeding the five thousand. as i read through it and recalled other accounts of Jesus feeding large crowds, i thought of the many times these passages have been preached on throughout my life. the familiar point being made that with the little that we bring to God (five loaves and two fish), God is able to use that abundantly for the purpose of something greater. while this idea may be encouraging to hear, it can lead to erroneous thinking about how faith works. we learn in john 6 that the same crowd that saw Jesus perform the miracle of multiplying the bread and the fish seeks Him again the next day and their true intentions are revealed in the words of Jesus. they followed Him because they saw results in the past and they continued to follow Him because of their empty stomachs. Jesus then claims to be the Bread of Life and that those who eat of His flesh and drink of His blood (speaking of having genuine faith) will be satisfied. the crowds do not understand this claim, because they can only think of their physical hunger and they are blind to who Jesus is. to be able to multiply bread was analogous to being the author of life itself. the way i see it, these passages are not there to tell us of what God can do through the little that we bring, but rather to simply tell us who He is.
yes, pour into your ministry, pray for things to happen, offer everything you can and have faith that God is using you for the purposes of His kingdom. but ask yourself before all of that, are you satisfied in Him? would your answer be the same if you sacrificed everything for a ministry and He chose to take that away from you? would it be the same if you spent hours in prayer, but you were kicked out of school with no income and no way to get fed? the problem i have with the popular interpretation of this miracle is that it may teach us to expect blessings from God and it does not deal with the heart issue of whether or not we see our relationship with God as the highest blessing of all. is He your source of joy, comfort, contentment, peace, and rest? i pray that it would be so.

hopeful and faithful

camera face

salutations!! it's been a while since my last post and quite a lot has happened since then. this school year, i've found myself to be in a familiar place (sorta like old problems, new faces type deal and the lessons that come with those problems haha). let's see...i think where i am now as a senior in college is somewhat similar to where i was as a senior in high school. only less energetic and much more snarky.
as a senior in high school, i was less concerned with my own future than with the future of those around me, namely, my fellow church members. years of serving, investing, praying, leading, learning- i didn't want to leave it behind. i legitimately thought that the lack of my presence would hurt my church. thinking "well, i've been the one that always volunteered and was volunteered by others to do things around here. initiating bible studies, planning hangouts, coordinating church events- no one is going to do that without me around". the arrogance that i guised as love and care was only dispelled when a dear friend told me the summer before college that "the church is God's church. it's not yours".
now, as a senior in college, i find myself in that same mindset i had before with my concerns shifted towards the future of ccm. it's been almost a daily struggle for me to not have a hero complex in this ministry, to not buy in to the lie that i can salvage it by some effort that only i can do. since the beginning of the year, three of the leaders in the ministry have stepped down, all telling me that they are spiritually bankrupt and that they don't know what it means to be loved by God. in the aftermath of this discouragement, i fell into that thinking again- the height of those thoughts being that i was the sole decider of the ministry's fate, that this was my cross to bear (ugh...so drama). and again, i am being called to trust in God's sovereignty. the ministry is His, He is the author of faith, and salvation belongs to Him. i was reminded recently of these truths by brothers who told me to simply be "hopeful and faithful". it may seem like a lackluster revelation, but really God's calling to me in this situation is simple. any other calling would probably lead me astray from humility.
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i haven't put it in words until now, but a goal i have for this quarter is not only to remain steadfast in hope, but also to be a source of hope for others. i want to pursue excellence in all areas of my life, so that i can help those around me experience the victory of a life of faith. in particular, the victory over procrastination and being a lazy chump lol.