what a peculiar state to be in, where my mind intellectually sprints toward the precious truths that have been anchored in the depths of my soul and simultaneously, my heart stubbornly sits in the emotional gunk in the aftermath of a harsh awakening. it is common for me to struggle internally as such, but i say this state is peculiar, because of its commonality. am i wholly my mind? wholly my heart? both or neither? i wish that they would just agree right now, so that i wouldn't be caught in this limbo of being inconsistent in my thoughts and actions.
i want to be better. i want to be truly obedient to my God and honor my parents. i want to take responsibility for my past mistakes and believe that i can change for the better. but sin, seizing every opportunity in my vulnerability, is running rampantly. and my failure leads to more frustration with myself and more doubt over the Spirit's sanctifying work in me. and i begin to want to fail even more so and my attempts for repentance lack genuine brokenness.
those words spoken to me by my friend still ring loudly in my ears. "john, you have the most...conviction out of all of us," he said, asking me to take the lead for ccm during our summer leadership retreat. that was the moment when my decision to take charge of the ministry switched from a solemn "no" to a determined "yes". and i did not switch my decision lightly. it took a lot of prayer and courage for me to tell the previous president that i was unwilling to take his position when he asked me last year. but i changed my mind later at the retreat, because i had presumed to have witnessed a group of young, immature believers going into serving without much guidance- like sheep without a shepherd- and i proceeded, by my friend's confirmation, thinking that my leadership was necessary.
i knew full well right from the start that this year would be challenging- on the same night that my friend said those words to me, two other leaders (now under my authority, heh) stayed up to talk about how depressed they were over being rejected by girls, using the full range of expletives to express their despair. in addition, not a single one of these leaders had a consistent practice of basic spiritual disciplines at the start of the year. the idea of reaching our campus through evangelism was portrayed as a characteristic reserved for other ministries. the sense of traditionalism of large annual events was firmly held despite the need for our ministry activities to adapt to the ever-decreasing number of existing members. and the bar of expectations in terms of personality and presence was set high by previous leadership teams.
so naturally when i made the commitment to lead, i went all in, holding nothing back. my prayer throughout the year was for this to be glorifying to God- despite the outcome of events and the disappointments that come with falling short of expectations- that somehow this ministry would bring people to know the gospel and be a blessing to our campus. i was fully convinced that what i was doing was good and right and pleasing to God. i received praise from my peers about how faithful i was and how i encouraged them- and i attributed my ability to serve as i did to God's grace.
