using you

i read matthew 14 today and in it, there is the familiar account of Jesus feeding the five thousand. as i read through it and recalled other accounts of Jesus feeding large crowds, i thought of the many times these passages have been preached on throughout my life. the familiar point being made that with the little that we bring to God (five loaves and two fish), God is able to use that abundantly for the purpose of something greater. while this idea may be encouraging to hear, it can lead to erroneous thinking about how faith works. we learn in john 6 that the same crowd that saw Jesus perform the miracle of multiplying the bread and the fish seeks Him again the next day and their true intentions are revealed in the words of Jesus. they followed Him because they saw results in the past and they continued to follow Him because of their empty stomachs. Jesus then claims to be the Bread of Life and that those who eat of His flesh and drink of His blood (speaking of having genuine faith) will be satisfied. the crowds do not understand this claim, because they can only think of their physical hunger and they are blind to who Jesus is. to be able to multiply bread was analogous to being the author of life itself. the way i see it, these passages are not there to tell us of what God can do through the little that we bring, but rather to simply tell us who He is.
yes, pour into your ministry, pray for things to happen, offer everything you can and have faith that God is using you for the purposes of His kingdom. but ask yourself before all of that, are you satisfied in Him? would your answer be the same if you sacrificed everything for a ministry and He chose to take that away from you? would it be the same if you spent hours in prayer, but you were kicked out of school with no income and no way to get fed? the problem i have with the popular interpretation of this miracle is that it may teach us to expect blessings from God and it does not deal with the heart issue of whether or not we see our relationship with God as the highest blessing of all. is He your source of joy, comfort, contentment, peace, and rest? i pray that it would be so.

hopeful and faithful

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salutations!! it's been a while since my last post and quite a lot has happened since then. this school year, i've found myself to be in a familiar place (sorta like old problems, new faces type deal and the lessons that come with those problems haha). let's see...i think where i am now as a senior in college is somewhat similar to where i was as a senior in high school. only less energetic and much more snarky.
as a senior in high school, i was less concerned with my own future than with the future of those around me, namely, my fellow church members. years of serving, investing, praying, leading, learning- i didn't want to leave it behind. i legitimately thought that the lack of my presence would hurt my church. thinking "well, i've been the one that always volunteered and was volunteered by others to do things around here. initiating bible studies, planning hangouts, coordinating church events- no one is going to do that without me around". the arrogance that i guised as love and care was only dispelled when a dear friend told me the summer before college that "the church is God's church. it's not yours".
now, as a senior in college, i find myself in that same mindset i had before with my concerns shifted towards the future of ccm. it's been almost a daily struggle for me to not have a hero complex in this ministry, to not buy in to the lie that i can salvage it by some effort that only i can do. since the beginning of the year, three of the leaders in the ministry have stepped down, all telling me that they are spiritually bankrupt and that they don't know what it means to be loved by God. in the aftermath of this discouragement, i fell into that thinking again- the height of those thoughts being that i was the sole decider of the ministry's fate, that this was my cross to bear (ugh...so drama). and again, i am being called to trust in God's sovereignty. the ministry is His, He is the author of faith, and salvation belongs to Him. i was reminded recently of these truths by brothers who told me to simply be "hopeful and faithful". it may seem like a lackluster revelation, but really God's calling to me in this situation is simple. any other calling would probably lead me astray from humility.
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i haven't put it in words until now, but a goal i have for this quarter is not only to remain steadfast in hope, but also to be a source of hope for others. i want to pursue excellence in all areas of my life, so that i can help those around me experience the victory of a life of faith. in particular, the victory over procrastination and being a lazy chump lol.