wrenches

moments have turned into years past
these objects used for good
misplaced, they have fallen deep
jamming the essential cogs
the wrenches

vagabond's blues

billions of these in your pocket

today i went to church with a hardened, rebellious heart. i didn't want to be there. it's been more and more difficult to want to go to harvest. it's clocking in and clocking out. it's adding external programs to address internal problems. it's looking to a new pastor to usher in revival. it's game nights chalked up as "fellowship", while digging deep in Scripture is brushed aside. it's indulging on skepticism towards cross-cultural congregations. it's competition and keeping track. it's keeping our heads down whenever conflict or confrontation may come into play. it's neglecting to tame our tongues. it's talk of Jesus with no intention to love. it's spiritual deadness. it's me.

the value of introspection

my first solder!

there is some quality about sitting down to collect thoughts and write out a coherent message- perhaps not for the sake of being heard by others, but rather for the purpose of listening to one's self- that i realize is incredibly valuable in this stage of life. weeks go by and if i am not careful, i can become so detached from my daily ongoings that i am not in a position to fully appreciate what is happening. and lacking that ability to have an engaged mindset leads me to waste time on fruitless things. recently, i haven't spent much time documenting my experiences- good nor bad- and i feel as though there is a strong correlation between my neglecting of introspection and this dull bitterness looming over me.
i have been saying this for years now- i think ever since i went through proverbs with my mentor- as a response to the question, "what does it mean to fear the LORD?" the motivation for the question being found in proverbs 1:7a, which reads "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge". my go-to response is that to fear the LORD means to know who God is and to know who you are in relation/response to who God is. in other words, to know God in His holiness, His love, His grace, His mercy, His wrath, His peace, His wisdom, and ultimately His glory and then to see yourself in your wickedness should properly result in worship.
so i ask myself, "am i a man that fears God?" lately, i think i have just been riding the wave of life, going from deadline to deadline. i've been reading my bible less and even less could be said about prayer. and although i could simply try to revamp those disciplines, i think it would be a dead end with my current attitude. i need more time to reflect, to narrow my mind onto God's character, to broaden my vision onto His work in my life.

floating thoughts

gradually, i am feeling (the effects of) my age
one cup of coffee a day keeps the migraines away
it's painful to watch people waste their potential
in my youth, i was fortunate to be able to love untethered
conviction in this life stage is a rare thing
friends are friends forever, but i don't talk to any of them
i was naive to think i could do all of this for God all the time,
i am naive still
life is too short for surface level interactions with anyone
surface level interactions are all i can afford to spend time on
i wish i took piper with me when they gave her up
i inherited that super-mom status from the super-mom
the simple life in which i fight anime demons and get my
own ost playing in the background is all i ask for
i wonder if i will be happy once i get everything i "want"
the answer is "yes"
being content with who you are where you are has become wrong
i can finally play maplestory again
some memories are best enjoyed as just memories
i have become the "game guy" in all my friend circles
someone even called me the "game king" a few months ago
that was amusing and new

too close to the sun pt.2

...but then ccm ended. the school year came to its abrupt end and when it came time for the student leaders to come together for discussions regarding the future of the ministry, the overwhelming conclusion was to disband ccm in san diego. and i kept a strong appearance for as long as i could, so as to not discourage anyone that i served with for their decision. i kept thinking to myself, "they learned a great amount from this year and their experience will equip them to better serve their respective churches next year"- that was the hope that i held onto to be emotionally reserved.
when i finished my finals and went home, i knew some form of disillusionment would be brought to light. the reality was that i gave up a significant amount of time to invest in the ministry- time that i did not have- and ended up in danger of academic termination. the period i spent waiting for my grade results felt almost as long as the year as a whole and during that time, all of my emotional baggage that i carried expressed itself in an acutely devious desire for isolation. promises to my friends at home to meet and catch up proved to be empty and my visits to berean only convinced me of the sentiment that the concept of a "home church" was now unfamiliar to me.
all that effort i put in- those long talks, making myself available to everyone and everything, thinking "i want to help these people in their faith"- memory after memory i started to pick apart as some twisted manifestation of my wicked self-righteousness. "no, i really did this for my own praise" and "not a single moment of this past year was spent in honest obedience to God" were some of the thoughts that came to mind. i didn't honor my parents. i neglected my primary responsibilities and even worse, i used the ministry as a shield to those responsibilities in the name of a "higher calling".
ironically, my extremist response was to sever myself from all forms of ministry so as to not even entertain the risk of being immersed in serving and i wanted, again, to explore the possibility of separation from the church.

too close to the sun pt. 1

what a peculiar state to be in, where my mind intellectually sprints toward the precious truths that have been anchored in the depths of my soul and simultaneously, my heart stubbornly sits in the emotional gunk in the aftermath of a harsh awakening. it is common for me to struggle internally as such, but i say this state is peculiar, because of its commonality. am i wholly my mind? wholly my heart? both or neither? i wish that they would just agree right now, so that i wouldn't be caught in this limbo of being inconsistent in my thoughts and actions.
i want to be better. i want to be truly obedient to my God and honor my parents. i want to take responsibility for my past mistakes and believe that i can change for the better. but sin, seizing every opportunity in my vulnerability, is running rampantly. and my failure leads to more frustration with myself and more doubt over the Spirit's sanctifying work in me. and i begin to want to fail even more so and my attempts for repentance lack genuine brokenness.
those words spoken to me by my friend still ring loudly in my ears. "john, you have the most...conviction out of all of us," he said, asking me to take the lead for ccm during our summer leadership retreat. that was the moment when my decision to take charge of the ministry switched from a solemn "no" to a determined "yes". and i did not switch my decision lightly. it took a lot of prayer and courage for me to tell the previous president that i was unwilling to take his position when he asked me last year. but i changed my mind later at the retreat, because i had presumed to have witnessed a group of young, immature believers going into serving without much guidance- like sheep without a shepherd- and i proceeded, by my friend's confirmation, thinking that my leadership was necessary.
i knew full well right from the start that this year would be challenging- on the same night that my friend said those words to me, two other leaders (now under my authority, heh) stayed up to talk about how depressed they were over being rejected by girls, using the full range of expletives to express their despair. in addition, not a single one of these leaders had a consistent practice of basic spiritual disciplines at the start of the year. the idea of reaching our campus through evangelism was portrayed as a characteristic reserved for other ministries. the sense of traditionalism of large annual events was firmly held despite the need for our ministry activities to adapt to the ever-decreasing number of existing members. and the bar of expectations in terms of personality and presence was set high by previous leadership teams.
so naturally when i made the commitment to lead, i went all in, holding nothing back. my prayer throughout the year was for this to be glorifying to God- despite the outcome of events and the disappointments that come with falling short of expectations- that somehow this ministry would bring people to know the gospel and be a blessing to our campus. i was fully convinced that what i was doing was good and right and pleasing to God. i received praise from my peers about how faithful i was and how i encouraged them- and i attributed my ability to serve as i did to God's grace.

the melting point of wax pt.2

"daedalus was the architect who had contrived the labyrinth for the minotaur in crete, and who showed ariadne how theseus could escape from it. when king minos learned that the athenians had found their way out, he was convinced that they could have done so only if daedalus has helped them. accordingly he imprisoned him and his son icarus in the labyrinth, certainly a proof that it was excellently devised since not even the maker of it could discover the exit without a clue. but the great inventor was not at a loss. he told his son, 'escape may be checked by water and land, but the air and the sky are free,' and he made two pairs of wings for them. they put them on and just before they took flight daedalus warned icarus to keep a middle course over the sea. if he flew too high the sun might melt the glue and the wings drop off. however, as stories so often show, what elders say youth disregards. as the two flew lightly and without effort away from crete the delight of this new and wonderful power went to the boy's head. he soared exultingly up and up, paying no heed to his father's anguished commands. then he fell. the wings had come off. he dropped into the sea and the waters closed over him..."