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| forest of tall trees |
challenging...at the end of retreat, the small group leaders were asked
to say one word to sum up their experience this year and i said challenging.
this year, i was reminded of the gravity of being a leader- perhaps due to
the intensity with which i was pushed to build friendships in such a short
time- but simultaneously remembering how blessed it is to shepherd and
guide a flock. without a co-leader, i led a group of seven seniors (most of
which were taller than me) and throughout the weekend, i worried about
how well i was leading my group. thoughts like "i want to lead the
discussion without spewing on and on about my own view or experience"
or "my small group members aren't opening up because i'm not asking
the right questions" came to mind. and before even the halfway point of
retreat, i began to feel down, because i doubted if i was using wisdom
when i spoke during small group. i started to worry that they were simply
nodding their heads in agreement without critically thinking for themselves
whether or not they believed what i would say. that on top of the fact that
pastor miller's preaching style was very different from what we are used
to hearing at retreats (and that no material or curriculum was given to the
small group leaders to help make discussions more structured) threw me
off and when i was scrambling for words to say or a question to ask, it
pushed me further into thinking that i was not doing such a great job.
so i examined myself- is my motivation wrong? is my approach wrong?
am i hitting them with too many big theological words and ideas? or am
i holding back? and after i asked God to answer these questions that were
swirling in my head, He pointed me to the examples of the apostles.
what is our job as leaders? is it to transform hearts and minds to be more
Christ-like? is it to regenerate lost souls? is it to save people? or to at least
get a response? no, not at all! our role is to simply preach the gospel
faithfully- and this gospel is not just a one-sentence sunday-school-answer-
this gospel is our whole lives! it is the work of the Holy Spirit that
transforms, regenerates, and saves. when i look at the examples of the
apostles in acts and the epistles, i can tell that they knew exactly what
their purpose was as the leaders of the church. it was not to start up
programs to attract nonbelievers or to worry about how persuasive they
were with the way that they talked- none of that which we see so much of
today. it was to preach the gospel day in and day out, during times of great
celebration and during times of great trials, with every breath they breathed.
and of course, i can imagine even they struggled with bits of discouragement
when perhaps they were rejected or just that the response they received for
proclaiming the good news was not what they had wished for. but despite
the circumstances, they never lost sight of their purpose. lifting nonbelievers
and believers in prayer, the apostles simply obeyed their calling and with
confidence, they trusted that the Holy Spirit would be transforming,
regenerating, and saving those that they shared the gospel with. in the same
way, my eyes were reopened this past weekend to my purpose as a servant
of the Lord. as i continued to pray for my small group members to
individually be convicted by the Word of God and have a greater desire
to worship Him for who He is and for what He has done- and that i myself
would stop worrying about whether or not i was leading well enough and
instead trust in God's faithfulness and His ability to change their lives-
by His grace, i was able to see a difference in our small group discussions.
they began to ask deeper questions and to give answers that went beyond
just "i thought it was good." and although no one broke down and cried,
i could not have asked for a better small group- a group with which i know
God has used to challenge me this year. i praise God for this winter retreat!
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also, i want to just point out that i was totally fangirling over pastor
tommy's workshop: great news for everything. such solid teaching! and
when he was writing things on the board, i would whisper to myself the
words that he would put right before he put them and then i would be
all giddy inside like a little schoolgirl. also, serving alongside my small
group leader from two years ago was quite awesome seeing how the
way i organized my small group discussions mirrored his discussions.
the theme of passing on the baton to the next generation is on my mind!
