vagabond's blues

billions of these in your pocket

today i went to church with a hardened, rebellious heart. i didn't want to be there. it's been more and more difficult to want to go to harvest. it's clocking in and clocking out. it's adding external programs to address internal problems. it's looking to a new pastor to usher in revival. it's game nights chalked up as "fellowship", while digging deep in Scripture is brushed aside. it's indulging on skepticism towards cross-cultural congregations. it's competition and keeping track. it's keeping our heads down whenever conflict or confrontation may come into play. it's neglecting to tame our tongues. it's talk of Jesus with no intention to love. it's spiritual deadness. it's me.

the value of introspection

my first solder!

there is some quality about sitting down to collect thoughts and write out a coherent message- perhaps not for the sake of being heard by others, but rather for the purpose of listening to one's self- that i realize is incredibly valuable in this stage of life. weeks go by and if i am not careful, i can become so detached from my daily ongoings that i am not in a position to fully appreciate what is happening. and lacking that ability to have an engaged mindset leads me to waste time on fruitless things. recently, i haven't spent much time documenting my experiences- good nor bad- and i feel as though there is a strong correlation between my neglecting of introspection and this dull bitterness looming over me.
i have been saying this for years now- i think ever since i went through proverbs with my mentor- as a response to the question, "what does it mean to fear the LORD?" the motivation for the question being found in proverbs 1:7a, which reads "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge". my go-to response is that to fear the LORD means to know who God is and to know who you are in relation/response to who God is. in other words, to know God in His holiness, His love, His grace, His mercy, His wrath, His peace, His wisdom, and ultimately His glory and then to see yourself in your wickedness should properly result in worship.
so i ask myself, "am i a man that fears God?" lately, i think i have just been riding the wave of life, going from deadline to deadline. i've been reading my bible less and even less could be said about prayer. and although i could simply try to revamp those disciplines, i think it would be a dead end with my current attitude. i need more time to reflect, to narrow my mind onto God's character, to broaden my vision onto His work in my life.

floating thoughts

gradually, i am feeling (the effects of) my age
one cup of coffee a day keeps the migraines away
it's painful to watch people waste their potential
in my youth, i was fortunate to be able to love untethered
conviction in this life stage is a rare thing
friends are friends forever, but i don't talk to any of them
i was naive to think i could do all of this for God all the time,
i am naive still
life is too short for surface level interactions with anyone
surface level interactions are all i can afford to spend time on
i wish i took piper with me when they gave her up
i inherited that super-mom status from the super-mom
the simple life in which i fight anime demons and get my
own ost playing in the background is all i ask for
i wonder if i will be happy once i get everything i "want"
the answer is "yes"
being content with who you are where you are has become wrong
i can finally play maplestory again
some memories are best enjoyed as just memories
i have become the "game guy" in all my friend circles
someone even called me the "game king" a few months ago
that was amusing and new