too close to the sun pt.2

...but then ccm ended. the school year came to its abrupt end and when it came time for the student leaders to come together for discussions regarding the future of the ministry, the overwhelming conclusion was to disband ccm in san diego. and i kept a strong appearance for as long as i could, so as to not discourage anyone that i served with for their decision. i kept thinking to myself, "they learned a great amount from this year and their experience will equip them to better serve their respective churches next year"- that was the hope that i held onto to be emotionally reserved.
when i finished my finals and went home, i knew some form of disillusionment would be brought to light. the reality was that i gave up a significant amount of time to invest in the ministry- time that i did not have- and ended up in danger of academic termination. the period i spent waiting for my grade results felt almost as long as the year as a whole and during that time, all of my emotional baggage that i carried expressed itself in an acutely devious desire for isolation. promises to my friends at home to meet and catch up proved to be empty and my visits to berean only convinced me of the sentiment that the concept of a "home church" was now unfamiliar to me.
all that effort i put in- those long talks, making myself available to everyone and everything, thinking "i want to help these people in their faith"- memory after memory i started to pick apart as some twisted manifestation of my wicked self-righteousness. "no, i really did this for my own praise" and "not a single moment of this past year was spent in honest obedience to God" were some of the thoughts that came to mind. i didn't honor my parents. i neglected my primary responsibilities and even worse, i used the ministry as a shield to those responsibilities in the name of a "higher calling".
ironically, my extremist response was to sever myself from all forms of ministry so as to not even entertain the risk of being immersed in serving and i wanted, again, to explore the possibility of separation from the church.