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last quarter, i think the biggest subject of my personal learning was trust. not because trust was constantly hammered into my thought process through sermons and bible studies and life circumstances, but because in all of those things that made up my weekly routine, i was lacking it. trust in people, trust in myself, trust in words, and especially trust in God. when people asked me how i was doing last quarter, i usually would respond with "okay". just okay. like there was nothing going on good nor bad. when in reality, my emotions were a big hot mess, i was neglecting reading the bible and praying, and i felt unsatisfied with my time spent at church. at the end of the quarter, i just felt exhausted from carrying all the weight of my own thoughts and the confusion of what was truly bothering me or blocking me from going to God. i needed Him to intervene.

thankfully, He did through a long and painfully real conversation with kevin during break. when he asked how i was doing, i could have told him what i had been telling everyone all quarter, but he knows me too well. actually, i think he and a bunch of other people who went to college retreat
during summer had known for a while that i wasn't doing so fine. before school started in october, i told him that i was considering not going to church or fellowship for a short time while i was in san diego- the purpose being to reevaluate my own faith apart from the Christian community. at the time, i genuinely believed that i needed to take a step away from the church in order to think through some issues, but part of me also simply liked the idea of being alone. however, by God's grace, my mind was changed last second and eunice took me to church on my first sunday in san diego. my journey on getting plugged in shall be expanded upon at another time (stay tuned haha). anyway, i told kevin that throughout the quarter i had been neglecting prayer and my relationship with God in general and that i didn't know why. it was like there was a wall that hadn't been there before when i felt that reconnecting with God was much easier.

as the conversation continued and as kevin tried to help me sift through my thoughts, i had the idea to share with him about something that happened early last summer that struck me as the moment when i started feeling this spiritual roadblock. early last summer, a few of us drove up to joshua tree to check out the place where retreat would be held and during the trip, i was a total buzzkill. silent, staring off into space, and unwilling to interact- i was clearly distraught. and i never quite told anyone
why up until kevin and i talked during break.

most times of distress in my life can be traced back to some sort of family dispute- i hate it when my family members fight. and i say that not to put blame on my parents nor my brother, but more to illustrate my own character and my own weakness. it's strange because i can take a beating and i could care less if someone made fun of me, but the moment my family members argue, i crumble. but there were always times of sweet reconciliation and God would show Himself in our family by bringing us back to peace and reminding us to love one another.

it was in early june, maybe a couple weeks after my brother's wedding- i couldn't have been happier for him and i thought the time for celebration would last a while longer. i was at my brother's apartment, when my dad called him, apologizing...for "losing it" that night and that he couldn't stand
being with my mom anymore. about an hour after that phone call, i'm in my car on the way home thinking "what should i say when i get back?" it sounded so serious on the phone that i was thinking of what damage could have been done while i was gone. when i got home, it was dead silent. my
dad was in his office downstairs and mom was upstairs in her room.

by force of habit, i approached ma first- she's usually much easier to talk to than my father is. of course, i asked her what was wrong and what they were fighting about and she basically described an argument that i've known since childhood, saying all of these negative things about dad, how poorly
he treated her throughout the years, reasons x, y, and z. i tried to convince her to forgive dad, even if he didn't deserve it, because forgiving is part of obedience to God. but she told me that night that she didn't want to be a Christian anymore, that she would rather be a judas and betray Jesus if it meant not having to spend eternity alongside my dad. we talked in circles. i kept trying to reach her with the truth of the gospel, my foundation, which i built everything i knew upon. and one word after another, my efforts were shot down. while this was happening, i was praying to God in the back of my head, begging for the words to say that could turn my mom around. but she didn't turn around.

then, i went to talk to dad, hoping and praying that i would not get the same response from him as i did with mom. reasons x, y, and z came flying and all happened to contradict everything mom had just said. i tried to reach dad with the truth of the gospel too, except in his case, i made it a point to say that i desperately needed for him to be an example of a godly man to me in this situation. he always wants to be treated as the head of the household and so i told him that night that it was his responsibility to lead me. as i was saying these things, tears were coming down my face, because my heart was breaking for my parents. he said "sorry, john. i can't do it. i can't forgive her anymore. you know...even Christians divorce. and even Christians commit suicide". i begged God to change my dad's mind, but my plea had no effect that night.

at this point of sharing with kevin, he stopped me and felt it necessary to ask, "what do you know to be true? where was God in this situation?" and i never felt more clueless. fumbling for an answer, i responded "what- what do you want me to say? that God was with me?" in a fairly cynical tone.

"do you want to know what i think? i think, yes, God was with you and He was there for every single moment. He saw how much you loved your parents and the pain that it caused to see them that way and Jesus chose to join you in that pain. He was interceding on your behalf and on the behalf of your parents. He was there for you then and He is here for you now." we had an emotional moment right after he said that. two grown men tearing up in a chick fil-a on a tuesday morning- such a beautiful scene. by grace, i came to realize that morning that my fundamental problem- my spiritual roadblock- was that i didn't believe God showed up that night all those months ago. and as a result, i didn't want to trust in the power of prayer and i didn't want to go to church where i would be reminded of truths that i didn't want to accept.

by grace, i am here now with a deeper understanding about the brokenness of relationships in my life. and by grace, i am working towards rebuilding some of those relationships, especially my walk with Christ. this quarter, i hope that as the Lord draws me nearer to Him, i would be a blessing to those around me- all to the glory of God.