hopeful and faithful

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salutations!! it's been a while since my last post and quite a lot has happened since then. this school year, i've found myself to be in a familiar place (sorta like old problems, new faces type deal and the lessons that come with those problems haha). let's see...i think where i am now as a senior in college is somewhat similar to where i was as a senior in high school. only less energetic and much more snarky.
as a senior in high school, i was less concerned with my own future than with the future of those around me, namely, my fellow church members. years of serving, investing, praying, leading, learning- i didn't want to leave it behind. i legitimately thought that the lack of my presence would hurt my church. thinking "well, i've been the one that always volunteered and was volunteered by others to do things around here. initiating bible studies, planning hangouts, coordinating church events- no one is going to do that without me around". the arrogance that i guised as love and care was only dispelled when a dear friend told me the summer before college that "the church is God's church. it's not yours".
now, as a senior in college, i find myself in that same mindset i had before with my concerns shifted towards the future of ccm. it's been almost a daily struggle for me to not have a hero complex in this ministry, to not buy in to the lie that i can salvage it by some effort that only i can do. since the beginning of the year, three of the leaders in the ministry have stepped down, all telling me that they are spiritually bankrupt and that they don't know what it means to be loved by God. in the aftermath of this discouragement, i fell into that thinking again- the height of those thoughts being that i was the sole decider of the ministry's fate, that this was my cross to bear (ugh...so drama). and again, i am being called to trust in God's sovereignty. the ministry is His, He is the author of faith, and salvation belongs to Him. i was reminded recently of these truths by brothers who told me to simply be "hopeful and faithful". it may seem like a lackluster revelation, but really God's calling to me in this situation is simple. any other calling would probably lead me astray from humility.
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i haven't put it in words until now, but a goal i have for this quarter is not only to remain steadfast in hope, but also to be a source of hope for others. i want to pursue excellence in all areas of my life, so that i can help those around me experience the victory of a life of faith. in particular, the victory over procrastination and being a lazy chump lol.