two tales

possibly considering transferring to ivc for two years...
there is a lot of uncertainty at this point and i have to
make a big decision. praying for discernment and wisdom-
could it be God's will for me to stay in pomona where
i'm barely being effective in terms of reaching out to others?
for once, i'm impatient because i feel like i have no control.
and i know that is just my disobedience talking, but at the
same time, i wish i knew more. i wish i could be more
resourceful and reliable, but really, i've just been too simple-
minded. too complacent with the daily routine of studying
like a hermit king. to be honest with myself, i should have
been more honest to myself and made a stance. i should
have made it clear that i still haven't quite made up my mind
yet. i should be more courageous and tell it like it is. i like
math and physics, but what i love studying more than anything
is simply God's word. i want to spend my days reading the
bible while sipping some kind of hot tea. but i don't want just
knowledge. i want to be constantly transformed by it. i want
my life to be totally flipped upside down. i want to truly seek
after the Lord and be used as a tool for His purposes. i want
to genuinely care for His people. i don't care for money.
so what am i doing out there if my only purpose is to get a
career one day? if not to love You and my neighbors, what
else could You possibly will for me? for whatever You decide,
please grace me with a spirit of thanksgiving and joy.