sorry if i dissed you

welcome to my new life- where sunlight is as rare as mewtwo.
it is strange to think that for the past 3 days, i have not talked to
anyone about anything at all. aside from the usual one-word answers
and the necessary "yes, i would like mild sauce please," i mean.
and the words of my brother keep ringing in my mind, he says,
observing the stagnant posture i have whilst studying all day,
"better get used to it, this is how the rest of your life will be."
i have been anxious day in and day out to the point where despite how
mentally and physically drained i am, i still stay up at night thinking
about everything and nothing at the same time. to add to that, i have
become increasingly cynical about my life and my relationships with
people. i think it may partly be me rationalizing the formerly implied
inevitability of my loneliness. "why not cut off ties with all of my
friends? they're not going to stay around much longer anyway, right?"
or "i'm doing them all a favor by not wanting to get involved. no one
needs my advice or my company anyway. i'm just an awkward, quiet,
uninteresting, condescending waste of space." and while i know these
are just thoughts produced out of fear or resentment towards any
possible good that the future holds, i do seriously wonder at the end
of my day- thinking back through all that i accomplished in the past
few hours that i have vigorously spent on schoolwork-
"what good am i doing here at this moment other than recycling the
air in my room? what part of all this speaks of my life in Jesus?"
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for those of you who say math and physics are gross,
i'll have you know my math textbook quoted scripture to illustrate
scholarly theories of how the wall of jericho may have fallen due to
the frequency played by the trumpets. basically, when an outside
force (sound) matches a level specific to an object (wall), it can cause
the structure to oscillate at higher and higher amplitudes until it hits
a breaking point and the whole system collapses on itself. science!
also, my textbook contains footnotes on all of the theorist and
mathematicians who came up with the things that i am studying.
i find it amusing and terrifying that all of the footnotes i've read thus
far say that those people either turned insane or estranged from the
world. and then there was that one guy who got killed in a duel.