broken

are we that different? are we so unrelated?
my earthly father, man of flesh, you make it difficult
for me to consider you a blessing from my Father.
how is it that you can never tell what is on my
mind when you always pride yourself as a psychologist?
yeah, right. because psychologists lose their temper
the moment their patients begin to mumble. maybe
running away from home twice was too little to convince
you that i can get emotional. maybe it was too much,
and you've been wanting to get rid of me since.
i'll admit it, i don't like talking to you- loathe it.
not only because i am forced to repeat everything i say
at least twice before you hear it, but because you
only have worldly wisdom to offer, always from experience.
what happened to fatherly discipleship? what happened
to teaching me about the bible through words and actions?
i wonder, before i was born, were you excited to show
me Christ? i would be...i would be terrified as well.
don't you know that to be my father, you would have
to love me unconditionally? that's a scary thought!
what if i turned out to be a murderer? you would still
have to love me. not in the sense that you ever owed me
anything- not money, nor clothes, nor food- but i never
asked you for it. i hate that about you. the moment
you get angry, you think you are God. think you own everything.
always using the same dumb lines, "when you are under
this roof..." when i am what? not your son? did you include
in that spectacular five-year plan of yours to disown me
when i left home? you treat being a father like its only an
obligation. not like a joy at all. no, if you never had me,
you could have bought that fancy car you've always wanted.
i apologize for getting in the way of your dream...i seem
to do that to a lot of people. and i'm always wondering
why after a sudden outburst the outburst even happened.
last time, it was because the dog you loved so much until
she started to become old couldn't control her bladder
so you decided to retaliate against our defenseless pet.
this time, it was because i simply didn't want to be asked
yet another night whether or not i had gotten into a
school that has, since the beginning of the year, become my
nightmare school. and i didn't want to get told once again
to find a job- i have a job already and it's draining me.
is it too much to ask for a peaceful dinner in which i can
not constantly think about grades, school, and my summer plans?
i already told you that i got into pomona, so what is with
the constant worrying? aren't you the one that wants me to
leave the most? arguably, cinny might want me to leave more,
but that is besides the point. the point is be my dad for once.
i think this is about my third or fourth rant about you on
this blog and the sad thing is that i've probably had a bit more
fun writing them than i've had with you throughout my childhood.
sorry, i just had to throw that left hook in there...
i don't actually mean to say that you're boring or lame.
you're just sometimes so tempting to punch. but, ephesians 6
says that i have to honor you and be obedient to you, so please
lead me right. we only have so much time left together, you know?
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wow...after calming down and reading, i've been reconciled
with my early high school self again! i realize that those
of you who may read this may be a bit disturbed by my use
of strongly rebellious sarcasm. trust me when i say that
i, too, can lose my cool- ha, i like to think i had an object
called "cool" to begin with...pray for me please.
clearly, i would not be this emotionally distraught if
the things that were clenching my heart and pulling from
all directions were good. also, pray for me to have courage.